Running to Brussels in Y-fronts

You know the telly is really bad when you’re upset that they’ve taken off Bargain Hunt. I hate football, dear gods I hate it so much. And don’t start me on tennis, sexual grunts with spaghetti driers on sticks and not a celebrity masterchef in sight. And we’ve still got loads to look forward to, like the bleedin Commonwealth Games and the Ryder Cup, which is apparently to do with hitting a small ball with a long stick which is rubbish for drying spaghetti, and horses are not involved at all.

They’re only bloody games, people. That means it’s not real. It’s just a game, the clue’s right there in the name. Game. It‘s playing. Kicking and batting baws and running and jumping about a bit.

Why are they running a marathon anyway? It’s 26 miles for godssake. Can they not get a bus? That’s why buses were invented, so people didn’t have to run 26 miles. Let’s make up something pointless and call it a competition and get it plastered all over the telly. Only they’ve taken off Pointless too. The basterts.

And you’re taking off my soap operas for this, you TV scheduling testostemaroids. Invented things should come with invented stabbings, bitchery, the occasional murder and burying the body under the patio, long story lines about on-off-on-off again romances, and oooh-what-total-bastards, thank you very much. But the best on offer is some overpaid eejit biting some other overpaid drama queen on a fitba pitch because he was annoyed that he wasn’t getting his turn to kick the baw. He should go buy his own ball if it means that much to him, it’s not like he can’t afford it. It was funny how he made like he’d injured his teeth though. That was inventive invention. It was even more inventive that no one seemed to think he should have been huckled off by the polis immediately. Why are they indulging the overpaid egoist with an anger management problem? He’s not a genius, he’s not a god. He’s just a spoiled wee thug with better than average eye to foot coordination.

Sport is what weans do only with more expensive equipment and much bigger egos. Why is this taking up three quarters of the news? Shoot me. Shoot me now. I’m a freak, a mutant, born without the sports appreciation gene. I’m sportophobic. That probably means I’m abusing Magrit Curran, because women play sports too.

Sportophobia has led me to the realisation that Unionist politicians are in fact attempting to channel the spirits of 1970s PE teachers. They weren’t very bright either and as a class they likewise contain a higher than average proportion of spoiled wee thugs with anger management problems. But we have to see them once a week when they visit on a power trip for a spot of attempted ritual humiliation, and the demand that we run around the playing field in our underwear. A teacher did once order me to do that, on one of the many many occasions it had quite slipped my mind, no honestly the dog ate the post it note on the fridge, that I had PE that day. “Right boy! Take off your trousers and shirt and do 20 laps of the field,” he ordered. I’d seen him do this with other boys in the class before, and couldn’t understand why they complied with the command. Why be complicit in your own humiliation? It made no sense.

“Oh that’s so not going to happen,” I told him, “If you want humiliation rituals you can do it in your own time.” He went bright red and then went ape-shit, but to be fair that was sorta the point of saying it to him. Playing mind games with PE teachers was the only sport I really enjoyed and I was laughing because I’d won. In retrospect, he was probably secretly into getting spanked by a dominatrix and I’d struck a nerve that was rawer than his backside. But that didn’t cross my mind at the time. I was a bitch, but an innocent one, at least at the time. I got the belt, but it was worth it. I didn’t run round the playing field in my underwear or do PE that day. Nor indeed for the rest of my school career.

You can’t humiliate people who are laughing back at you. No one can wipe the smile off your face when you can see what’s funny. That was the only lesson I ever learned in PE, but it was a good one. Unionist politicians are funny and make me laugh. “Oh that’s so not going to happen,” is the best response to them as well.

The only appreciable difference between the humiliation rituals of 1970s PE teachers and Unionist politicians is that Unionist politicians can’t give us the belt, or even lines or detention, they have to make do with warnings that we’ll be unprotected against threats from outer space, or that they’ll have to impose border controls. That’s rubbish sadomasochism that is. And not a gimp suit in sight, just plenty of gimps in suits.

Unionist politicians see Scotland as a venue for acting out their power fantasies, but it just leaves them looking like they’re running round the playing field in their Y-fronts. Do they really believe we’re small children who can be intimidated by ridiculous stories bereft of logic or reason? Apparently they do. Let’s be having those suit troosers then, Eds Miliband and Balls. Let’s see the colour of your Y-fronts. I’m guessing brown.

The UK isn’t exactly flavour of the month with other EU countries, a fact which Ed Miliband is hoping is news of the “except for viewers in Scotland” sort. The UK, you know, the one that punches above its weight and has massive influence in Europe, just got outvoted 27-2. That’s even rubbisher than the square of the rubbishness of the Spanish and English world cup squads combined. The only cheerleader Davie could muster was Viktor Orban the far right Hungarian that no one else wants anything to do with. In 2013 the European Parliament endorsed a report criticising the dangerously undemocratic way in which Orban was centralising power and control into his own hands, and stated that his changes to the Hungarian constitution were in conflict with the fundamental principles of EU treaties. So you can see why Orban wasn’t keen to support an EU President who was chosen by a majority of EU parliamentarians. There’s massive UK influence for you. What was that about knowing people by the company they keep Davie?

After Davie’s wee stropette with the presidency vote, few EU members are predisposed to doing the UK too many favours just now. Meanwhile Westminster wants to renegotiate the terms of its own membership of the EU, causing immense problems both at an EU level and at the level of domestic politics within many other EU members – which have their own EU issues. And if Westminster doesn’t get its own way it will hold a referendum on leaving.

These pissed off EU countries are the same countries which Westminster assures us will rush to support the view of the Westminster government that it and it alone inherits EU membership upon Scottish independence, and will concur that a Scotland which is quite keen to remain an EU member is a naughty child who must wait at the back of the EU queue in its Y-fronts.

The UK obtained its much prized Schengen opt out because the UK is situated on some islands, and because its only land border is with a smaller EU country the bulk of whose contacts with other EU nations transits via the UK. It’s much simpler for us just to control a few seaports and airports ourselves, said the UK government during Schengen negotiations. Ireland said they’d like to join Schengen, but since the UK wasn’t going to it really didn’t make any economic or political sense for them to join either. You know what that Westminster is like, added Ireland with resignation. And the other EU countries said, OK fair enough then, Westminster causes enough grief as it is, and oh look at the time, isn’t Bargain Hunt on telly? Let’s go home for lunch.

Now Ed Miliband is saying that the UK, or more precisely the England-Wales-Northern Ireland component of the former UK, will maintain its opt out on Schengen while erecting border controls with its neighbour to the north. Because we’ll have become foreigners, and foreigners are bad. Foreigners attract other foreigners, and the newly foreign Scottish foreigners will let loads of other foreigners in who will immediately want to go south of the border because they don’t like Scottish foreigners either. At least I think that’s the logic. It’s hard to tell with Westminster PE teachers. They’re not really renowned for joined up thinking.

Because it certainly can’t be because Scotland might adopt an immigration policy that was different from the one Ed wants. The Republic of Ireland already does that, they have their own immigration policy which does not require prior approval from the UK Home Office. Oddly there’s no passport controls between the UK and Ireland, what with them being a part of a Common Travel Area. And it can’t be the foreigner thing either in Ireland’s case, what with the 1949 Ireland Act passed by Westminster deeming that Irish citizens are not foreigners, and the Republic of Ireland is not a foreign country, for the purposes of UK laws.

So that only leaves “we’re just spiteful gimps in suits” as the reason for the Scottish border controls, which doesn’t sound like an attractive reason for voting No in September. Expensive things border controls, all just for the sake of an infantile strop. And all the cost on their side – like Scotland needs to bother protecting the border when they’re doing such a sterling job of it. But sterling is something else the border will be porous to as well.

The threat has no substance. It’s a wee fantasy the Eds want to scare us with. They want us to take off our trousers and run at their command. But let’s indulge the Eds in their little power trip fantasy. What happens next? The northern neighbour will, upon being cut off from the rest of the UK and Ireland by red tape passport controls and a fit of Westminster pique, go “ach fuck it, let’s join Schengen and then we can go to Benidorm without a passport”, thus removing from the rUK the sole reason it got an opt out from Schengen in the first place, because all of a sudden they’ve got a land border with a Schengen member after all. One they could so easily have avoided creating. And Ed proposes to create this 100 mile long rod for his own back at the same time that Westminster wants to renegotiate the UK’s EU obligations and opt outs with Brussels. Meanwhile the other EU countries are going “Oh look we’ve got shiny new ways to put pressures on Westminster that we couldn’t use before.” Way to go to strengthening your negotiating position with Angela and François, Ed. He’d be as well flying his Y-fronts from the flag pole in surrender. Let’s hope they’re still white.

I’ve got way more self respect. I’m not going to be humiliated by a wee gimp in a suit. He’ll be the one that’s humiliated and running to Brussels in his Y-fronts when we ignore his petulant threats and vote Yes in September.

And there will still be no border controls.


46 comments on “Running to Brussels in Y-fronts

  1. mary vasey says:

    He he he 😎 only you could make an analogy between PE and politics sound so funny thanks 😎

  2. Helena Brown says:

    Well Paul we seem to be of the same mind. I forgot my gym shoes one day and was told I had to do it in bare feet. Well I hate sport, any kind, now if they had done dancing that would have been fine. So as it was out side in the playing fields and the only way across to the grass was a gravel path, I said NO. Well the wrath of gym teachers note the plural, a fifteen year old girl against two grown women, never had they come up against me. You will go in front of the Head, fine I said, lets go now. Well they backed down. I got to keep my shoes on. I have never taken authority well, and this was not my first fight, still fighting.
    Oh and they took the Beechgrove off as well, they do it every time. We get the only gardening show which is not in HD, which has to have the usual English person (nothing against them except they don’t reciprocate on Gardeners World. I hate the Summer.

  3. patrickroden says:

    You must have had the same PE teacher as me! I loved PE it was my favourite class, but I once genuinely forgot my kit, I was made to wear one long green and white striped sock, one Red sock, a pair of shorts that were about the same size as me so went past my knees and a Rugby top that’s sleeves reached the bottom of my shorts. It was football, (without the bites) which I loved, so I wore it, to further my punishment I was put in goal!
    I played brilliantly though so I had the time of my life diving around in the mud.

    My PE teacher just about wet himself as I walked out the changing room, so it was the first time I’d EVER made a teacher happy! all in all a good day that I still remember as if it was yesterday.

    Oh and brilliant article as always, you need to write a book about the referendum campaign, I’d order an advance copy.

    • weegingerdug says:

      Actually just before he ordered me to run around the playing field in my underwear, he’d brought out a pile of old PE kits from a store cupboard and told me to change into those. I refused. “No way. Would you wear someone else’s used pants? Eeewwwwwww. How clatty is that.”

      I forgot my PE kit for 3 years. By 4th year they’d given up on me.

      • Blizzard says:

        Paul, this is the week for PE stories! At school our games master (posh term for PE teacher) was Keir Hardie’s grandson, not that you would have known it from the way he acted. I was never picked for the rugby team again after I scored my name out of the rugby team to play for the golf team.

        I really enjoy playing sports but can#t be bothered watching most of them. BTW, at school girls were expected to do gym in their (dark coloured) knickers Have I broken posting rules and offended the Magrit as well?

      • Vestas says:

        I gave up on PE when half the class (who’d said they couldn’t swim) had to be rescued from drowning in the 25m pool.

        Got hauled up in front of the head (he was called a “Rector”, says it all I think) who tried to belt me – I told him it wasn’t happening & what would the parents (& press) think when they heard half the class nearly drowned due to the sado-masochist who ran the class.

        The upshot was I never did PE again. I did an extra O-grade in Geography which didn’t require more than an hour a week for a year anyway 🙂

  4. Thepnr says:

    Paul your writing and commitment amazes me. I am so proud that we have guys like you on our side, I’m on your side too.

  5. Paul

    I am sure you have been to Andorra.

    Going in, the border is open and the odd polis has his back to the traffic flow, waving everybody in.

    The Spanish entry is different with queues and the necessity of opening up the boot to show that there is not a suitcase of laundered €.

    The French side, well that depends on various things such as the weather and the time of day.

    i.e. It is open completely without hindrance at lunch and dinner times and often overnight, weather depending.

  6. “The northern neighbour will, upon being cut off from the rest of the UK and Ireland by red tape passport controls and a fit of Westminster pique, go “ach fuck it, let’s join Schengen and then we can go to Benidorm without a passport”, thus removing from the rUK the sole reason it got an opt out from Schengen in the first place, because all of a sudden they’ve got a land border with a Schengen member after all.”

    Love that. Wonder if that has dawned on the naysayers.

    And Ed has pledged to stay here for the next three months as he doesn’t want to be the PM without Scotland. Can’t wait to read your take on that one, Paul.

  7. My sports sentiments exactly.Might get it made intae a big badge !! bbcnonews on Thursday reported Andy Murray usetae no like bananas now he does but only if they’re mashed in a bagel !!!! Aaaaaarrgghh!!!

  8. Paul, I love fitba, but know something, I don’t think I will ever take it seriously again. Yir right, it’s only a game.

  9. Eilean says:

    I am so with you on the sport thing. The “sport” that I can not get my head around is falling into water. People actually get medals for falling into water? I fell into the Clyde once, I didn’t get a medal I got taken to the doctors for some anti-biotics. Back then when Ravenscraig was in full flow and the Clyde was like an open sewer. It was the EU that forced the government to spend the money to clean up our waterways. I guess that once we are “kicked out of europe” we will all have to go and shit in our rivers but that won’t matter because we won’t be allowed toilets in an independent Scotland anyway.

  10. Eilean says:

    Back in the seventies and eighties I was in the army. I spent several years in West Germany as it was then. I used to drive home on leave a couple of times a year. As you approached the border the autobahn would divide into about ten lanes each with its own checkpoint. Each checkpoint had a set of traffic lights. I used to travel late at night to catch an early ferry. Granted the autobahn was very quiet at that time of night but as you approached the border there would be one booth with a green light the rest were red as they were closed, I used to slow down as I approached the booth with the green light. This would only serve to annoy the wee guy in the booth as he would have to raise his eyes from his book to wave you through. This was forty odd years ago!

  11. macart763 says:

    His other wee statement yesterday also fell into the category of school yard insult. Apparently we’re no capable of telling the difference between constitutional and party politics. In fact we’re no capable of forming a progressive and socially just society in an independent Scotland. Better yet on the back of his border threat he actually said, and I quote:

    “You don’t tackle social justice by putting up borders”

    More neck than a fecking giraffe.

    As insults go, yesterday that petulant wee halfwit ticked every box from threat to smear, stopping only briefly at crass rudeness for a rest. A Labour leader no less.

    Please oh please Labour voters, you can do so much better than this man. You can have your own country and your own government dedicated to proper socialist values. Please don’t say this guy is as good as it gets or that he is representative of who you are or what you aspire to.

    • Eilean says:

      Sorry for the O/T!
      Macart are you going to the PQ demo tomorrow? I have a “BBC bias – No Thanks” badge for you. Paul I have a couple for you as well. If you are not at the demo I will get them to you soon.

      • weegingerdug says:

        Give them to Ronnie – he’s coming round here after the demo with a couple of friends who are coming up from Dumfries for the day. I can’t make it as the girl who looks after Andy isn’t available tomorrow. She’s helping her mammy do a flitting.

        I found some nice white feathers in the park today where the swans haul themselves onto the grass to preen. So that’s me sorted for the Bonnie White Feather Club.

      • macart763 says:

        Wish I could be there, it’d be a real pleasure to meet you guys and stick a couple of well deserved fingers up in PQs kisser to boot.

        Some heavy family commitments on the go at the moment which will hopefully resolve themselves in the next few weeks. My brother and I tend to do some long distance caring every other weekend, spelling each other caring for our father and giving his weekday carers a break. He’s in recovery after some heavy ops in the past eighteen months, but getting back on his feet an inch at a time.

        Desperate to catch either a clean weekend or some time off next time WoS has a get together in Glasgow so I can put a face next to some names. I’d certainly like to shake a few hands and share a dram. Keep the badge safe for me. 🙂

  12. 10 minutes of pure entertainment. I’ll bet there’s a lot of us who can identify with your PE analogy.
    Got to disagree with you on the sports issue though.
    What’s not to like about watching drug fuelled humans trying to beat, or bite one another?
    And don’t even get me started on the kids racing their bicycles! 🙂

  13. Blocked PE memories back.Had to lift skirts to show right coloured pants on [brown] then ridiculed for having home made skirt [Ma a widow with 4]…a wee socialist was born ..saw injustice and inequality.Stared her in the face never got bothered again.Stand up and face the naw.

    • weegingerdug says:

      True story time. Once when I hadn’t managed to forget my PE kit, we got this student PE teacher who seemed to have come fresh out of the army. There he was on a cold and wet October afternoon in Coatbridge all wrapped up snug and warm in his nice clean new tracksuit, barking and yelling his orders, telling kids in t-shirts and nylon shorts to get down in the mud give him 10 press-ups when they didn’t perform to his satisfaction.

      So we had this 100 metres dash, which I managed to complete in something over 5 minutes – because I was severely pissed off by this point. I could have done it more quickly on one leg, backwards, blindfolded, and taking a wee break to go and buy sweeties at the shop. “Give me 10!” he yelled at me, when I finally put my toes one millimetre at a time over the finish line.

      “Ten what? Bananas? US dollars? Hugs?” I said.

      “Don’t cheek me boy. Ten press ups. When a teacher tells you to do something that means you do it.”

      “This isn’t the army you know,” I replied, “We only do what teachers tell us because teachers are supposed to be able to do these things themselves. But I’ve been watching you in your tracksuit, telling everyone to get down in the cauld mud while you stay all nice and clean and warm. I’ve not seen you do it.”

      And he said, “I’ll do ten press ups, then I’ll expect twenty from you.”

      “On ye go then.”

      So he gets down in the mud and does ten press ups, gets up covered in glaur and said to me – “Right boy – your turn. Give me twenty press ups now!”

      And I said, “Ah, but I lied. And you just gave me ten press ups.”

      I got the belt for that too. Was so so worth it though. The entire class was in fits of laughter, and the usual PE teachers were trying really hard to suppress giggles. Never saw that student teacher again.

      I only ever got the belt in PE, and RE. Wonder why that was?

      • Eilean says:

        It was history that got me the belt the most. Or more precisely the history teacher. A Mr. Alexander. Surprisingly he wasnt one of the old duffers that had fought in the war so he didn’t have that excuse. He was quite young I’d guess around thirty-ish. Now it was probably something to do with having the largest norman castle in Scotland (Bothwell) as a playground. Me and my pals spent all our summer holidays at the castle. During that time we befriended an old local antiquarian called Ernie Russell he told us all about the wars of independence and the important part that the castle played. I also had an uncle who was the weighbridge operator in the local brickwork. He would do a Sunday shift as watchman. I would visit him and he would make me tea in a black can boiled on a pot bellied stove and tell me about Wallace and Bruce. I soaked it up like a sponge.

        Now back to Mr. Alexander. His method was to give us a list of “important” dates and corresponding events as homework. At the start of the next class he would make us all stand up. He would then walk up and down the rows of desks calling out a date if you got the event right you could sit down. The last three standing were marched to the front of the class and given six of the belt. Now I may have stood a chance but all of his “important dates” were as you might have guessed by now crap like Trafalgar, Henry the VIII, Waterloo etc. Result a total disconnect! I could not for the life of me remember any of this nonsense. As far as I was concerned it was someone elses history and had bugger all to do with what I regarded as history.

        One good thing that came out of it was that for the first time in my life I decided that there was something distinctly wrong. I asked myself why is my culture being written over with all this British stuff. What is wrong with our own history that it has to be ignored? I guess that I should thank Mr. Alexander for turning me into a wee Scottish Nationalist.

        • cuddyback says:

          Aye, going to school in Scotland in the ’70’s was a grim prospect; I seem to recall it all being in black & white, like a cross between TV’s Colditz and Bill Douglas’ trilogy “My Childhood”. And what was it with those P.E. teachers anyway, was that universal? Looks like it from what I read in these comments. I sometimes wish that I could go back to being 13 years old, but knowing what I now know; I would have those guys in court on physical, psychological and sexual humiliation charges.

          I too was born without the sporting gene in my DNA (still possibly even more of a social stigma than being gay?), and squirmed my way through swimming, gym and outdoor activities. Until one year I realised that if I didn’t fill in the form where you had to choose between rugby and cross-country running then you didn’t exist on either list, and could bugger off to the city library instead. Worked fine till the end of the year when they did the report cards – oops!

          BTW be careful what you suggest about Ed running in his Y’s: you’ll be accused of advocating a boxer rebellion. 😊

  14. George Paterson says:

    You sir, are a wonderment.

  15. […] You know the telly is really bad when you're upset that they've taken off Bargain Hunt. I hate football, dear gods I hate it so much. And don't start me on tennis, sexual grunts with spaghetti drie…  […]

  16. Hugh Wallace says:

    Reblogged this on Are We Really Better Together? and commented:
    I read the first part of this post with John Cleese’s voice, in best Monty Python dead parrot style, narrating the Wee Dug’s rant about sport. Priceless. The second part, which deals with the EU and Scotland’s place in it, is worth even more than that.

  17. Craig Evans says:

    Ah! The Bateman “fuck it factor” let’s go for it, I usually travel through Schipol anyway so it would make life much more simple?

  18. Seanair says:

    Funny how everyone has PE stories! Deep in your article is the bit about Cameron losing face in European circles. Whatever happened to “clout” which was a mantra by unionists for a week or so and which now will have to be not mentioned any more because it is clear there is no clout at all. “England ” has very few friends but they can’t admit it.

  19. HelenEarth says:

    This piece gave me a much needed laugh for which I thank you.Have you noticed, I’m sure you have, the way in which the national obsession with ritual humiliation has become an integral part of even the most, previously ,benign activities. We now have The great British bake off, The great British sowing bee, the great British allotment and so on. Our enjoyment of these activities is now ruined by competition where some hapless person is eliminated each episode usually following a syrupy speech by some z list celebrity explaining how difficult it was to come to a decision. Then comes the totally unnecessary pause while the tension builds followed, for our further entertainment, by copious tears , group hugs and the humiliating walk off by the loser. What I wonder will be the next logical step ? If everything must be gladiatorial why not take it to it’s logical conclusion.I’m sure it would add a certain frisson, If the price to pay for an unsatisfactory cupcake was instant death ( accompanied, of course, by suitable words of regret.) Thanks again, I’m sure you wrote this especially for me.

  20. Richard Smith says:

    Given Scotland’s future need for immigrants, and the impoverished wasteland immediately south of the border, a case could be made for erecting a little plaque just this side of the border: “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…”

  21. David Agnew says:

    If you think about it, the Union is really a lot like the Royal Mail. Used to be important, used to be respected. Had its problems but it worked. Then over the years, people who didn’t really understand what made it tick, started selling bits off, having less control with every ill advised sale.
    The one horrible day, They decide to sell it all and all that’s left is the name. You tell yourself that’s all that matters in the end. The Name. You come to regard the Symbol as being more important than the substance of what it represented.

    Thats what the UK has become. A thing that only celebrates sport when its winning. Royals. Jingoism. and the Glorious Past of Empire. Always looking backwards, never forwards to a perfect time that never really existed. It’s a celebratory mug of the queen. A union jack on everything from tea-cloths to a rack of pants in M&S. It’s an airfix model kit. It’s repeats of last of the summer wine on the aptly named “Yesterday” channel and re-runs of Top Gear on Dave.

    Its a hollow shell.

    Could it have been saved? Possibly. Imho, there were only two occasions that it could have been done. The so called spirit of 45 and in 1997. 97 was the last real opportunity to do so. Labour could have repaired the damage “Hurricane” maggie had done to the Union. Instead, they relied on devolution as a sticking plaster to cover the cracks, while they kept on with her great works to reduce the UK to a backwards looking banana republic.

    With the UK in the control of David “But sir!, I have no pants” Cameron – we get to see the less than stately managed decline of the UK, while having to endure nonsense from Better together about how staying in the UK means we have influence abroad. They’re trying to sell memories wrapped up in chintzy memorial crockery. I think we should decline politely and then leave the room.

  22. Jim Galt says:

    An Anti-sport Rant – you’re singing my song!

    I too got the belt off a 70s P.E. “Teacher” with the intelligence of a Fruit Fly, no make that a Fruit Scone, for no havin ma kit.

    As for Milliband he is obviously ignorant of the huge social links between Scotland and Ireland (North&South) and that most Scottish people are very aware of the “border” arrangements there ie there ur’nae any! and that we all know fine that’s how it would be between Scotland and RestofUK after Indy as well.

  23. Rory says:

    I play sport, particularly football, I’ve never been much of a watcher. The sportophobic comedy patter always amuses me.

    I would add as a flip side, to your sportobobia, that pain leaden screeching soap operas, and moronic game shows are as bat shit crazy past times to me, as competing in sports are to you.

    good post.

    My red and round tracky clad alchy teacher once split the class down into two groups, the fit and sporty, and the unfit and non sporty. He then sent the latter off running around the school for 45 minutes and if the second group caught them they would have to do the same every lesson until they didn’t get caught (it was howling outside)…….as soon as they had all sprinted, fallen, pushed and tripped out of the hall as fast as they could carry themselves, this teacher turned to us sporty types and said “right, you lot are in here playing basketball”

    the only funny thing that man did

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