You know the telly is really bad when you’re upset that they’ve taken off Bargain Hunt. I hate football, dear gods I hate it so much. And don’t start me on tennis, sexual grunts with spaghetti driers on sticks and not a celebrity masterchef in sight. And we’ve still got loads to look forward to, like the bleedin Commonwealth Games and the Ryder Cup, which is apparently to do with hitting a small ball with a long stick which is rubbish for drying spaghetti, and horses are not involved at all.
They’re only bloody games, people. That means it’s not real. It’s just a game, the clue’s right there in the name. Game. It‘s playing. Kicking and batting baws and running and jumping about a bit.
Why are they running a marathon anyway? It’s 26 miles for godssake. Can they not get a bus? That’s why buses were invented, so people didn’t have to run 26 miles. Let’s make up something pointless and call it a competition and get it plastered all over the telly. Only they’ve taken off Pointless too. The basterts.
And you’re taking off my soap operas for this, you TV scheduling testostemaroids. Invented things should come with invented stabbings, bitchery, the occasional murder and burying the body under the patio, long story lines about on-off-on-off again romances, and oooh-what-total-bastards, thank you very much. But the best on offer is some overpaid eejit biting some other overpaid drama queen on a fitba pitch because he was annoyed that he wasn’t getting his turn to kick the baw. He should go buy his own ball if it means that much to him, it’s not like he can’t afford it. It was funny how he made like he’d injured his teeth though. That was inventive invention. It was even more inventive that no one seemed to think he should have been huckled off by the polis immediately. Why are they indulging the overpaid egoist with an anger management problem? He’s not a genius, he’s not a god. He’s just a spoiled wee thug with better than average eye to foot coordination.
Sport is what weans do only with more expensive equipment and much bigger egos. Why is this taking up three quarters of the news? Shoot me. Shoot me now. I’m a freak, a mutant, born without the sports appreciation gene. I’m sportophobic. That probably means I’m abusing Magrit Curran, because women play sports too.
Sportophobia has led me to the realisation that Unionist politicians are in fact attempting to channel the spirits of 1970s PE teachers. They weren’t very bright either and as a class they likewise contain a higher than average proportion of spoiled wee thugs with anger management problems. But we have to see them once a week when they visit on a power trip for a spot of attempted ritual humiliation, and the demand that we run around the playing field in our underwear. A teacher did once order me to do that, on one of the many many occasions it had quite slipped my mind, no honestly the dog ate the post it note on the fridge, that I had PE that day. “Right boy! Take off your trousers and shirt and do 20 laps of the field,” he ordered. I’d seen him do this with other boys in the class before, and couldn’t understand why they complied with the command. Why be complicit in your own humiliation? It made no sense.
“Oh that’s so not going to happen,” I told him, “If you want humiliation rituals you can do it in your own time.” He went bright red and then went ape-shit, but to be fair that was sorta the point of saying it to him. Playing mind games with PE teachers was the only sport I really enjoyed and I was laughing because I’d won. In retrospect, he was probably secretly into getting spanked by a dominatrix and I’d struck a nerve that was rawer than his backside. But that didn’t cross my mind at the time. I was a bitch, but an innocent one, at least at the time. I got the belt, but it was worth it. I didn’t run round the playing field in my underwear or do PE that day. Nor indeed for the rest of my school career.
You can’t humiliate people who are laughing back at you. No one can wipe the smile off your face when you can see what’s funny. That was the only lesson I ever learned in PE, but it was a good one. Unionist politicians are funny and make me laugh. “Oh that’s so not going to happen,” is the best response to them as well.
The only appreciable difference between the humiliation rituals of 1970s PE teachers and Unionist politicians is that Unionist politicians can’t give us the belt, or even lines or detention, they have to make do with warnings that we’ll be unprotected against threats from outer space, or that they’ll have to impose border controls. That’s rubbish sadomasochism that is. And not a gimp suit in sight, just plenty of gimps in suits.
Unionist politicians see Scotland as a venue for acting out their power fantasies, but it just leaves them looking like they’re running round the playing field in their Y-fronts. Do they really believe we’re small children who can be intimidated by ridiculous stories bereft of logic or reason? Apparently they do. Let’s be having those suit troosers then, Eds Miliband and Balls. Let’s see the colour of your Y-fronts. I’m guessing brown.
The UK isn’t exactly flavour of the month with other EU countries, a fact which Ed Miliband is hoping is news of the “except for viewers in Scotland” sort. The UK, you know, the one that punches above its weight and has massive influence in Europe, just got outvoted 27-2. That’s even rubbisher than the square of the rubbishness of the Spanish and English world cup squads combined. The only cheerleader Davie could muster was Viktor Orban the far right Hungarian that no one else wants anything to do with. In 2013 the European Parliament endorsed a report criticising the dangerously undemocratic way in which Orban was centralising power and control into his own hands, and stated that his changes to the Hungarian constitution were in conflict with the fundamental principles of EU treaties. So you can see why Orban wasn’t keen to support an EU President who was chosen by a majority of EU parliamentarians. There’s massive UK influence for you. What was that about knowing people by the company they keep Davie?
After Davie’s wee stropette with the presidency vote, few EU members are predisposed to doing the UK too many favours just now. Meanwhile Westminster wants to renegotiate the terms of its own membership of the EU, causing immense problems both at an EU level and at the level of domestic politics within many other EU members – which have their own EU issues. And if Westminster doesn’t get its own way it will hold a referendum on leaving.
These pissed off EU countries are the same countries which Westminster assures us will rush to support the view of the Westminster government that it and it alone inherits EU membership upon Scottish independence, and will concur that a Scotland which is quite keen to remain an EU member is a naughty child who must wait at the back of the EU queue in its Y-fronts.
The UK obtained its much prized Schengen opt out because the UK is situated on some islands, and because its only land border is with a smaller EU country the bulk of whose contacts with other EU nations transits via the UK. It’s much simpler for us just to control a few seaports and airports ourselves, said the UK government during Schengen negotiations. Ireland said they’d like to join Schengen, but since the UK wasn’t going to it really didn’t make any economic or political sense for them to join either. You know what that Westminster is like, added Ireland with resignation. And the other EU countries said, OK fair enough then, Westminster causes enough grief as it is, and oh look at the time, isn’t Bargain Hunt on telly? Let’s go home for lunch.
Now Ed Miliband is saying that the UK, or more precisely the England-Wales-Northern Ireland component of the former UK, will maintain its opt out on Schengen while erecting border controls with its neighbour to the north. Because we’ll have become foreigners, and foreigners are bad. Foreigners attract other foreigners, and the newly foreign Scottish foreigners will let loads of other foreigners in who will immediately want to go south of the border because they don’t like Scottish foreigners either. At least I think that’s the logic. It’s hard to tell with Westminster PE teachers. They’re not really renowned for joined up thinking.
Because it certainly can’t be because Scotland might adopt an immigration policy that was different from the one Ed wants. The Republic of Ireland already does that, they have their own immigration policy which does not require prior approval from the UK Home Office. Oddly there’s no passport controls between the UK and Ireland, what with them being a part of a Common Travel Area. And it can’t be the foreigner thing either in Ireland’s case, what with the 1949 Ireland Act passed by Westminster deeming that Irish citizens are not foreigners, and the Republic of Ireland is not a foreign country, for the purposes of UK laws.
So that only leaves “we’re just spiteful gimps in suits” as the reason for the Scottish border controls, which doesn’t sound like an attractive reason for voting No in September. Expensive things border controls, all just for the sake of an infantile strop. And all the cost on their side – like Scotland needs to bother protecting the border when they’re doing such a sterling job of it. But sterling is something else the border will be porous to as well.
The threat has no substance. It’s a wee fantasy the Eds want to scare us with. They want us to take off our trousers and run at their command. But let’s indulge the Eds in their little power trip fantasy. What happens next? The northern neighbour will, upon being cut off from the rest of the UK and Ireland by red tape passport controls and a fit of Westminster pique, go “ach fuck it, let’s join Schengen and then we can go to Benidorm without a passport”, thus removing from the rUK the sole reason it got an opt out from Schengen in the first place, because all of a sudden they’ve got a land border with a Schengen member after all. One they could so easily have avoided creating. And Ed proposes to create this 100 mile long rod for his own back at the same time that Westminster wants to renegotiate the UK’s EU obligations and opt outs with Brussels. Meanwhile the other EU countries are going “Oh look we’ve got shiny new ways to put pressures on Westminster that we couldn’t use before.” Way to go to strengthening your negotiating position with Angela and François, Ed. He’d be as well flying his Y-fronts from the flag pole in surrender. Let’s hope they’re still white.
I’ve got way more self respect. I’m not going to be humiliated by a wee gimp in a suit. He’ll be the one that’s humiliated and running to Brussels in his Y-fronts when we ignore his petulant threats and vote Yes in September.
And there will still be no border controls.