Fresh from an all out assault on Stu Campbell of Wings over Scotland, which succeeded in, eh, making people laugh at them, Better Whatever They‘re Called have now turned their sights on Newsnet Scotland and the Dougie Dug video series voiced by actor Brian Cox. The video is embedded above, so you can see for yourselves the full horror of the attack that poor Johann Lamont is subjected to. It’s even worse than being accused of being related to a former Labour Lord Provost of Glasgow by marriage. Just make sure you watch it behind closed curtains with the front door firmly bolted, and please check under any rocks in your garden for Daily Mail reporters, slugs, or Labour MSPs who’ve recently had to turn down a gig with BBC Scotland.
This referendum plumbs new depths. Of arsewipit faux outrage and pretentiously feigned fouque-moi, if nothing else. After this referendum is over there’s a whole new career awaiting Bedder Tea Gazers. They can give classes to ham actors who’re seeking roles in daytime soap operas that end in a cliffhanger with horrified expressions on the actors’ faces. The students will have to supply the wasps for the chewing class themselves though. That’s privatised education for you. Labour jealously guard their own wasps. A number of Unionist MSPs supported the Pedal on Parliament initiative, so obviously there’s open support within the No campaign for bringing bikes to Holyrood. It’s all starting to make sense you know.
So back to the abuse. The female animator of a video published in an online newspaper with a female editor quite sexistly chose to abuse Johann by showing her in a distopian post-Naw future where she’d been rewarded with a seat in the House of Lords for services to hypocrisy and finding things to accuse Alicsammin of.
Is it maybe not just a tiny wee tad sexist not to notice that the publication you’re attacking for sexism has a woman editor? As far as I am aware, Newsnet Scotland is the only widely read news provider in this referendum campaign which has a female editor. Women are also well represented amongst its writers. Newsnet has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to sexism, and to racism and homophobia too. None of the papers with male editors which carried the story thought to point that out. Funny that. Newsnet are doing something about gender equality within Scotland’s media, and would be the very last people to infantilise the serious issue of gender equality and women’s rights by seizing on a trivial non-gender specific criticism of a female politician and claiming it’s an attack on all women. Johann’s contribution to the cause of gender equality is to conflate her own self importance with women’s rights.
Is it not equally sexist to assume that an animator and video director has to have a wullie? While that does make it easier to write your name in the snow, it’s not a necessary qualification for making an cartoon, unless you’re proposing to make one by the snow writing method. Weren’t some of the actors, sorry, ordinary people, in one of thae Gaunnie Vote Naw Please Please Gaunnie videos eating suspiciously yellow looking ice cream in one scene? There’s life under Westminster for you. Being forced to consume pish instead of a steady decent paying job.
Anyway, in the video Johann is shown with a badge saying “Vermine in Ermine” – a non-gender specific phrase which wasn’t invented by a social misfit independence supporter typing away in his living room in the middle of the night. Or in other words, it wasn’t me. The phrase was invented by Labour grandee John Prescott to describe the troughers and placepersons of House of Lords when John was calling for its abolition, as Labour periodically does when it’s in opposition. That would be the John Prescott who’s now Lord John Prescott Baron of Kingston upon Hull.
But it was still all the fault of Alicsammin. Because. It just is, right. Don’t ask. Or you’ll get sent to your bed without any Barnett Formula.
At least you can say one thing about Bathe Her Tacky Fur, they spend way more on their complaints department than your average budget airline, and they deal with a similar volume of complaints. Admittedly Batter Twee Gaffer’s complaints department is devoted to making complaints. They’re deaf to complaints about their own behaviour, so are already making a good start in the world of budget airlines. And they don’t even have a baggage limit either. There’s no end to their baggage. Pity none of it will fly though.
Sometimes I feel uncomfortable for Bother Tug Rotters. You know, like that feeling you get when you want to do a fart but aren’t sure whether it’s going to be a wet one. So you hold it in despite the stomach cramp while searching for an excuse to run away somewhere private. That’s the feeling Bit Her Toe Raggers ought to get every time they feel like complaining that they’re being abused, but they don’t get it. They get very little at all, like they really don’t get just how big a joke they’ve become. And they’re quite happy to splatter it all over the carpet in public. Still, at least the Record, the Mail, and the Scotsman are there to soak up the drips.
But I need to be careful here, because implying that the female representatives of Butter Dug Rougher ever fart or suffer from loose bowels is obviously sexist. Any criticism of Johann Lamont is an attack on all women and not what passes for regular criticism of a party apparatchik in the British politics Johann has sworn to defend with her witty barbs and eloquent opinions. We must thank Johann for her contribution to feminist thought, just as soon as she’s got that expression off her face, the one that looks like she needs to fart, not the wasp one.
Oh god … I called her an apparatchik. The last syllable sounds like chick. That’s sexist that is. I shall desist forwith and go and beat myself on the bottom with a copy of the Female Eunuch and the collected works of Andrea Dworkin.
But but oh my god oh my god oh my god. I’m gay. I won’t have sex with women. That makes me sexist to the core. But then it would also mean that Johann Lamont thinks that all gay men need to have sex with women so we stop being such sexists. So she’s attacking all gay men. And by her own logic that makes her homophobic. And in the week of Pride Scotia too. Shame on you Johann.
See, we can all play the I’m Offended game. It’s not hard. It’s just a nakedly transparent attempt to distract from the real issues on the referendum campaign, like getting rid of Trident, like reindustrialisation, like building a common weal, like land reform, like media reform. Like the future that’s in store for us if we vote no.
Those issues are so big, and the lack of answers from Bugger I Haven’t A Clue so glaringly obvious, that no amount of silly and childish distraction techniques are going to make us forget about them when we go to vote in September.
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