Davie Cameron got his Chinese takeaway on Tuesday. The Chinese premier Li Keqiang is on a state visit to the UK, and it was predicted last week by some cynical independence supporters that he would make a statement expressing a wish that the UK remains united. Number 10 is asking everyone and anyone they can think of to say something in support of the Union in a desperate effort to make up for the fact that no one in Scotland who’s not a Unionist political hack, a millionaire, or a casino capitalist, can be arsed. Which is peculiar when you consider that they have the support of all the papers except the Sunday Herald, and the BBC’s definition of neutrality is similar to that of Italy’s in WW2. That’s Great British Neutrality that is, there will be a series on BBC2 about it very soon.
Davie’s team have clearly had a wee word in Mr Li’s ear, or more accurately a spot of pleading. Li Keqiang – it’s pronounced kerching – obliged with some anodyne comments a la Obama. However the Chinese leader added, “We will certainly respect the choice you make.” He’s clearly not that bothered about the prospect of Scottish independence, and he didn’t threaten to take the pandas back or close down every Chinese takeaway in the country. So Scots will still be able to partake in that traditional Chinese dish, chips with curry sauce. That’s one scare story that didn’t happen then. Count your blessings.
The No Hope campaign, who still haven’t clarified what their name is, are growing increasingly desperate. They’re looking to add as many names as they can to their list of celebrity endorsements and can now add the Chinese prime minister to their wee list which started with Janette Krankie and ended most recently with the Pope. Mind you the Pope’s endorsement only counts if you believe the Scotsman and its risible Google Translate version of what the Pontiff actually said, but it’s as close as they’re going get to having Jesus campaign for them. Still, they figure they can always fess up to their liberal interpretation of doctrine in the privacy of the confessional box afterwards. But it’s only if there’s a yes vote that they’ll have to pay penance, on their knees staring damnation in the face.
The No Chance campaign were hopeful that support from Jesus would multiply their one stale loaf and a wet fish grassroots campaign into something which can feed the masses, but the miracle is not going to happen. Anyway, Scotland’s still got the chips and curry sauce. But never fear, negotiations are underway for the No Mark campaign to get endorsements from the Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Moses, Thor, Krishna, Papa Legba the Zombie Maker, and the Earth Mother – if by ‘negotiations’ you mean ‘throwing yourself helplessly on the mercy of your god and begging’. It must be a bummer for them that deities don’t tend to look kindly upon entreaties from unrepentant sinners. Deities send you to UKIPHell for that sort of thing, where you’ll spend eternity surrounded by Romanians with mobile phones, trapped in a train carriage that’s delayed for all time by flooding caused by an outbreak of gay weddings. Except if you worship Papa Legba the god of zombies, who is reputedly content with a sacrificed chicken. The House of Lords catering department can’t cope with the demand.
Failing proper religious edicts or holy writ to keep us in the Union, the fall back tactic is to write letters to Santa Claus, although they’re going to have to lie through their back teeth about being good little boys and girls. The tooth fairy has already ruled out making an intervention in support of Westminster, saying she was upset about the Conservatives’ plans for dental health services. Rumour has it she’s a yes supporter – yes voters being the ones with the toothy smiles.
You know they’re getting desperate when the definition of celebrity is stretched to include John Reid, although why they believe anyone is going to be persuaded to vote no by John is uncertain. John and his bully–boy style of unaccountable politics are one of the reasons Scotland needs independence, his reputation was crushed into dust a very long time ago, caught between Iraq and his hard face.
He’s been grimacing his way through TV and newspaper interviews, telling us that independence is a fantasy. A bit like those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq then John. Unfortunately for him, independence is the one which exists in the real world. John’s not even yesterday’s man, he’s yesterday’s warmonger, and he’s been frantically sacrificing chickens to Papa Legba as he waits for the findings of the Chilcot Inquiry. Someone’s going to have to be Tony Blair’s sacrificial lamb and take the blame. After all, isn’t that how the Westminster system works? It’s either him or Jack Straw.
On Tuesday we had a wee visit from former Tory PM John Major. You may not remember who he is, he’s the one between Thatcher and Blair who managed to fall into obscurity while he was still in office, and is reputedly the only man in history who ran away from the circus to become a chartered accountant. John wanted to warn us about irrelevancy – he knows a lot about being irrelevant. Apparently after independence what the people of Scotland want will become irrelevant to the likes of John, although how this differs from the current situation he didn’t explain.
John, more commonly known by his full name “… Eh… John?… Isn’t It?” , has had one of those road to Damascus experiences, although not one involving going to war with some Middle Eastern country this time. The outbreak of religiosity amongst the No Faith campaign is quite remarkable. The scales have fallen from Eh… John?’s eyes and now devolution is not after all the worst thing since the Ringling Brothers scoffed at his plan to perform double entry book keeping in a cage full of ravenous savage beasts. So he became Thatcher’s chancellor of the exchequer instead, as it was the next best thing. After the Tories got rid of Thatch he got the gig as PM because he was the only one that no one in the Tory party hated. But that was only because they couldn’t remember his name either.
Anyway, when he was PM, Wossisname refused to countenance devolution in any shape or form, and described the 1997 devo legislation as the worst thing since he’d witnessed the horror of an arithmetical error that had led to a shortfall of thruppence ha’penny. Now however, he’s promising loads of lovely Halleluiah I See The Light devo jam. But being a private, indeed obscure, man, he’s not telling us what led to his conversion. Possibly that’s something between him and his god.
Back in 1994, he railed against the devolution plans being put forward by Labour and the Lib Dems, and asked :
“What happens at some stage in the future if the Scottish National Party were to have a majority in a Scottish parliament and asked to leave the United Kingdom?”
Thingummy is finding that out now. The Scottish Parliament will be asking that very question if there is a Yes vote in September. And what happens is that Westminster runs out of chickens and the whole zombie edifice comes crashing to the ground, at least for viewers in Scotland. We get rid of Trident, get control over our own resources, get a written constitution with proper checks and balances to ensure that governments remain accountable and which states that the people are sovereign. And we get governments for whom the people of Scotland are not irrelevant. That all seems pretty relevant to me, unlike the opinions of forgettable politicians who’ve long been forgotten.
Update: 99 Percent have done an audio version of today’s blog post.