Starstruck irrelevancies

Davie Cameron got his Chinese takeaway on Tuesday. The Chinese premier Li Keqiang is on a state visit to the UK, and it was predicted last week by some cynical independence supporters that he would make a statement expressing a wish that the UK remains united. Number 10 is asking everyone and anyone they can think of to say something in support of the Union in a desperate effort to make up for the fact that no one in Scotland who’s not a Unionist political hack, a millionaire, or a casino capitalist, can be arsed. Which is peculiar when you consider that they have the support of all the papers except the Sunday Herald, and the BBC’s definition of neutrality is similar to that of Italy’s in WW2. That’s Great British Neutrality that is, there will be a series on BBC2 about it very soon.

Davie’s team have clearly had a wee word in Mr Li’s ear, or more accurately a spot of pleading.  Li Keqiang – it’s pronounced kerching – obliged with some anodyne comments a la Obama. However the Chinese leader added, “We will certainly respect the choice you make.” He’s clearly not that bothered about the prospect of Scottish independence, and he didn’t threaten to take the pandas back or close down every Chinese takeaway in the country. So Scots will still be able to partake in that traditional Chinese dish, chips with curry sauce. That’s one scare story that didn’t happen then. Count your blessings.

The No Hope campaign, who still haven’t clarified what their name is, are growing increasingly desperate. They’re looking to add as many names as they can to their list of celebrity endorsements and can now add the Chinese prime minister to their wee list which started with Janette Krankie and ended most recently with the Pope. Mind you the Pope’s endorsement only counts if you believe the Scotsman and its risible Google Translate version of what the Pontiff actually said, but it’s as close as they’re going get to having Jesus campaign for them. Still, they figure they can always fess up to their liberal interpretation of doctrine in the privacy of the confessional box afterwards. But it’s only if there’s a yes vote that they’ll have to pay penance, on their knees staring damnation in the face.

The No Chance campaign were hopeful that support from Jesus would multiply their one stale loaf and a wet fish grassroots campaign into something which can feed the masses, but the miracle is not going to happen. Anyway, Scotland’s still got the chips and curry sauce. But never fear, negotiations are underway for the No Mark campaign to get endorsements from the Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Moses, Thor, Krishna, Papa Legba the Zombie Maker, and the Earth Mother – if by ‘negotiations’ you mean ‘throwing yourself helplessly on the mercy of your god and begging’. It must be a bummer for them that deities don’t tend to look kindly upon entreaties from unrepentant sinners. Deities send you to UKIPHell for that sort of thing, where you’ll spend eternity surrounded by Romanians with mobile phones, trapped in a train carriage that’s delayed for all time by flooding caused by an outbreak of gay weddings. Except if you worship Papa Legba the god of zombies, who is reputedly content with a sacrificed chicken. The House of Lords catering department can’t cope with the demand.

Failing proper religious edicts or holy writ to keep us in the Union, the fall back tactic is to write letters to Santa Claus, although they’re going to have to lie through their back teeth about being good little boys and girls. The tooth fairy has already ruled out making an intervention in support of Westminster, saying she was upset about the Conservatives’ plans for dental health services. Rumour has it she’s a yes supporter – yes voters being the ones with the toothy smiles.

You know they’re getting desperate when the definition of celebrity is stretched to include John Reid, although why they believe anyone is going to be persuaded to vote no by John is uncertain. John and his bullyboy style of unaccountable politics are one of the reasons Scotland needs independence, his reputation was crushed into dust a very long time ago, caught between Iraq and his hard face.

He’s been grimacing his way through TV and newspaper interviews, telling us that independence is a fantasy. A bit like those weapons of mass destruction in Iraq then John. Unfortunately for him, independence is the one which exists in the real world. John’s not even yesterday’s man, he’s yesterday’s warmonger, and he’s been frantically sacrificing chickens to Papa Legba as he waits for the findings of the Chilcot Inquiry. Someone’s going to have to be Tony Blair’s sacrificial lamb and take the blame. After all, isn’t that how the Westminster system works? It’s either him or Jack Straw.

On Tuesday we had a wee visit from former Tory PM John Major. You may not remember who he is, he’s the one between Thatcher and Blair who managed to fall into obscurity while he was still in office, and is reputedly the only man in history who ran away from the circus to become a chartered accountant. John wanted to warn us about irrelevancy – he knows a lot about being irrelevant. Apparently after independence what the people of Scotland want will become irrelevant to the likes of John, although how this differs from the current situation he didn’t explain.

John, more commonly known by his full name “… Eh… John?… Isn’t It?” , has had one of those road to Damascus experiences, although not one involving going to war with some Middle Eastern country this time. The outbreak of religiosity amongst the No Faith campaign is quite remarkable. The scales have fallen from Eh… John?’s eyes and now devolution is not after all the worst thing since the Ringling Brothers scoffed at his plan to perform double entry book keeping in a cage full of ravenous savage beasts. So he became Thatcher’s chancellor of the exchequer instead, as it was the next best thing. After the Tories got rid of Thatch he got the gig as PM because he was the only one that no one in the Tory party hated. But that was only because they couldn’t remember his name either.

Anyway, when he was PM, Wossisname refused to countenance devolution in any shape or form, and described the 1997 devo legislation as the worst thing since he’d witnessed the horror of an arithmetical error that had led to a shortfall of thruppence ha’penny. Now however, he’s promising loads of lovely Halleluiah I See The Light devo jam. But being a private, indeed obscure, man, he’s not telling us what led to his conversion. Possibly that’s something between him and his god.

Back in 1994, he railed against the devolution plans being put forward by Labour and the Lib Dems, and asked :

“What happens at some stage in the future if the Scottish National Party were to have a majority in a Scottish parliament and asked to leave the United Kingdom?”

Thingummy is finding that out now. The Scottish Parliament will be asking that very question if there is a Yes vote in September. And what happens is that Westminster runs out of chickens and the whole zombie edifice comes crashing to the ground, at least for viewers in Scotland. We get rid of Trident, get control over our own resources, get a written constitution with proper checks and balances to ensure that governments remain accountable and which states that the people are sovereign. And we get governments for whom the people of Scotland are not irrelevant.  That all seems pretty relevant to me, unlike the opinions of forgettable politicians who’ve long been forgotten.


Update:  99 Percent have done an audio version of today’s blog post.




57 comments on “Starstruck irrelevancies

  1. ian foulds says:

    I am sure that Ms. Burley of Sky said to some Chinese Expert who had not heard the response that the Chinese gentleman wanted us in the UK and was therefore a ‘No’, The Expert seemed surprised that both the American President and the Chinese Prime Minister both said the same thing but – to paraphrase – ‘that was alright then.’

    It was more surprising as the translation we heard on SKy’s transmission said nothing of the sort, in fact the guy seemed to have said it was an internal matter and was sure that not all Scots would appreciate external comment on the issue.

  2. Andy Nimmo says:

    Since you brought up Road to Damascus experiences…..I’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating..

    If you were to run the story of the conversion of Matthew the Tax Collector in reverse, it would oh so fit the conversion of Saint Alistair of Better Westminster No Thanks Land from Marxist Man of the People to Spokesperson for the Neoliberals cum Speechifyer to Bankers.

    What could have been the reason for this conversion?

    The money or the power. Take your pick

  3. Sharon Gathercole says:

    Love this blog!!

  4. JimnArlene says:

    “Caught between Iraq and his hard face.” Choked on my breakfast, reading that; brilliant.

  5. Sheltie2014 says:

    I got a very dodgy reply in the guardian from someone – get the feeling this person is not joe public so to speak a Abiesalba. ???

    • diabloandco says:

      I think the suggestion that Jezerna of the Herald – pain in the proverbials ,possibly Slovenia but much more likely to be a ” local” with a syndrome like that of IngongkenJack of the DT , is yon verbose , CGI commentator called Abiesalba.

      Excellent as usual Paul and hurry up with the old fashioned details – I’m anxious that I can contribute prior to the target being reached and it looks like you’ll reach it by the weekend!

    • weegingerdug says:

      Oh Abiesalba aka Jezerna Roza – that’s my very own pet troll. You haven’t really arrived in the blogging world until you’ve got one.

      • Sheltie2014 says:

        Oh I got a rant about the possible illegality of the referendum.

        • weegingerdug says:

          Her opinions are not remotely representative of opinions in Slovenia. I suspect she’s a poor unfortunate soul who is suffering some sort of Post-Yugoslav Traumatic Stress and is projecting her emotional distress onto Scotland. She really cannot comprehend why people find it odd that her obsessional and bizarrely literalist posting history is totally disproportionate to her involvement in the Scottish debate. She’s really best ignored. Responding to her only feeds her delusions that she’s doing something meaningful and worthwhile.

          But she’s doing wonders at increasing site referrals to this blog from the pages of the Guardian. So I’m really not complaining.

          Campaigns like ours are going to attract the attentions of all sorts of random nutters.

  6. Capella says:

    How’s your Mandarin WGD? As Ian Foulds says above, he possibly didn’t say what some “journalist” in the audience (another BBC plant?) says he said.
    On the other hand. China wants to hang on to Tibet and it may well be that some secret offers were made. If they buy up our oil and fund HS2, UK will keep quiet about the right of small countries to self determination?

    • weegingerdug says:

      Non existent unfortunately. However the truth is that despite what Better Together No Thanks Oh No We Don’t Know What Our Name Is tell us, foreign governments will be able to live with the result of the Scottish referendum either way. There is no mass popular support outside the UK for Scotland remaining under Westminster rule. Actually there’s not much in the way of mass popular support for it within the UK either. The BeTNoTh foreign grassroots campaign consists of Jezerna Roza.

      • Alabaman says:

        Paul, regarding Jezerna Roza, do you not think it very odd that she/he/they have all types of information to hand, I have always felt she/he/they were being fed that info from ” elsewhere “!.

        • weegingerdug says:

          That’s what I wondered. And that’s why I posted that blog post some months ago speculating that she was. But I wasn’t at all sure, and wanted to see what would happen as a result of the blog post – it was a slow burner, a wee trap.

          A real political sock puppet would have realised that the game was up, and invented a new persona. But the reaction from the lovely JZ wasn’t like that at all – she’s gone posting links to that article all over the Guardian, giving it an enormous readership. (It was published when this blog only got a dozen readers a day. Now it gets thousands.) And in the process has posted more than enough information to reveal herself as someone who has some sort of emotional projection thing going on. Her peculiar literalism does remind me strongly of certain conditions.

          That’s not the sane and rational behaviour of a sockpuppet. Sockpuppetry is annoying and of dubious morality, but it’s perfectly sane and logical. What we see from our Slovene friend is some sort of obsessive compulsion. I honestly think it’s best not to engage with her. At the risk of being accused of abusing her (mind you she’ll do that anyway) – I really do fear that her mental health is not, shall we say, especially robust.

  7. innerbearsdenurchin says:

    “and (John Major) is reputedly the only man in history who ran away from the circus to become a chartered accountant.”

    I was eating Tortilla Chips when I read that. I now have castors on my office chair and and when I know I am going to explode laughing, I kick back, quickly.

  8. macart763 says:

    It wiz des ja vu all over again Paul. Wheel oot Obama and wheel in Chinese heid bummer.😀

    The friction burns on Cameron’s knees must be awful uncomfy by this point. The amount of begging and promising he must be doing on a weekly basis will be doing his joints no good at all. Perhaps we should club together and send the man some ointment?

    International politics eh? What larks.

    Of course the release of the draft constitution is the real story this week and neither visiting political dignitaries, Santa nor Zeus will stop that from having a positive impact on this debate.

    I cannot believe that Thor would answer the call for betternothegithernobordersthanks by the by. He’s an Avenger.🙂

  9. Helena Brown says:

    Thankfully Paul, breakfast was finished before I read you Blog, I was using the wee kindle so I haven’t got the same amount of screen to clean any way. I have to think that we must be doing some thing to wind the ahem “British Prime Minister” up enough that he is on his knees begging for help against all of us Scots.
    Silly Scots aka John Major, I am not that pleased at that utterance from a man who could not do his job for being too busy with Edwina Currie,

  10. arthur thomson says:

    John Major and the Premier of China! How impressive. The no camp still haven’t got the plot. Thanks to WGD we can have a good laugh and move on.

  11. Eilean says:

    Never mind the crowdfunding. It looks like you could make a fortune selling “Wee Ginger Dug” screen wipes.

  12. How about mind wipes!!! Major n chips wi’ Curry sauce oh no nice Face still stuck in grimace mode!!!

  13. yerkitbreeks says:

    I just wonder if John and Edwina still have a thing going as her utterances in Inde bear a strong resemblance to hers.

  14. Still sharing the same egg cutter?

  15. […] Davie Cameron got his Chinese takeaway on Tuesday. The Chinese premier Li Keqiang is on a state visit to the UK, and it was predicted last week by some cynical independence supporters that he would…  […]

  16. mo Mhorag says:

    Has anyone heard about this new plan to delay the vote? It’s a legal challenge about expats not being allowed to vote.

    • Eilean says:

      Its nothing new. Its just some idiot Scottish lawyer down south stirring the shit. Doing his own wee bit for Queen and country. Best ignore him everyone with half a brain does. That excludes all of the Scottish MSM.

  17. Eilean says:

    Sorry if I’m a bit behind the times with this. I wanted to post this in reply to Obama / Clinton. Unfortunately I had lost my link and it took a lot of scrolling through Youtube to find it. (It must be one of the most parodied songs on the interweb thingie) Anyway turn up the volume and if you are a former punk / heedbanger best step away from anything sharp or easily damaged.

    “This is my united states of whatever” (Glasgow remix) contains sweery wurds!)

  18. dcanmore says:

    ‘… whatever you do Dave, don’t mention Tibet!’

  19. cuddyback says:

    The “Li Keqiang sez naw” story made it to my local paper – La Voz de Galicia – this morning (complete with fotie shaking hands with Lizzie I/II): “Al ser preguntado por el referendo escocés en una rueda de prensa con su homólogo británico, David Cameron, pareció en favor del no…”
    I knew at once which lamppost the wee ginger one was going to raise his leg against today, and he hasn’t let me down!

  20. David Agnew says:

    David Cameron. PM of the UK. He has a mandate to govern Scotland if you listen to some conservative bloggers. Usually with smug condescending tone that seems to say “whit are your going to do about it?”. Yet this man with a mandate, does not feel able to defend the union with every fibre of his being by debating Alex Salmond. He’ll debate Farage about UKIP, but he won’t debate maximum eck about the union and why indy widnae work.

    He will on the other hand beg every other world leader to do it for him. You have to wonder what they think about this. Why is this fool unable to do it for himself?

    What the Chinese premier said was, it’d be a shame, but really, it wouldn’t bother us.

  21. WRH2 says:

    But the best laugh is that here in Scotland we seem to have broken out of the forelock tugging mode. Most people now just shrug and say, “So what. Is that supposed to be a big deal?” It’s amazing how quickly we’ve broken out of our straight jacket.

  22. liz g says:

    hi like you on benifit so cant do much for you or andy moneywise…. but can offer to dog sit if you are out and about for the campaign
    can provide proof that i was a puppy walker and boarder for guide dogs so you can be confident i do know what i am doing with our wee gingerness
    live in a glasgow post code and have a car
    if i can help
    please dont hesitate to let me know

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