The clunking fistula

The clunking fist has clunked again. Gordie’s gone and punched above his weight right through the middle of Alistair Darling’s carefully contrived strategy to frighten seven shades of shite out of Scotland. BBC Scotland’s Westminster correspondent has been speaking to Labour MPs, and they’re not best pleased. Not displeased about Ali trying to terrify their constituents, they’re fine with that. Scaring the ordinaries is part of the job when you’re an unaccountable Labour MP in a safe Scottish seat, the worst that will ever happen to your career is getting bumped up to the Lords. No, they’re displeased that Gordie’s stuffed himself like a buttplug in the diarrhoea production plan.

Some have tutted. A couple raised an eyebrow. But largely they screamed traditional Scottish miffednesses – most of which start with words beginning with f, and contain words starting with a c and ending with a t. Someone said Gordie was a bit silly. That was probably St Dougie the Diminutive, because it would spoil his Holy Wullie image to swear at a reporter. He is however looking up Bible verses containing references to arses.

The reason for the ire is that Project Fear ignored Alicsammin’s repeated demands that it was only reasonable that the First Minister of Scotland should debate with the Prime Minister of Scotland, and had ridden out the resultant fireworks. Gordie’s just relit the blue touch paper by doing the unthinkable – conceding that Alicsammin might actually have a valid point. This breaks the first rule in the Project Fear playbook, which was carefully written out by Alistair in green crayon large enough even for Gordie to read it. But Gordie was too busy hiding under his sulking rock and wouldn’t come out until he was offered a speaking engagement where he got star billing.

The calls for Davie Cameron to get kicked from one end of a debating chamber to another by Alicsammin now have Gordie’s voice in support. The guy who was in Davie Cameron’s job before him thinks that Davie ought to man up and sacrifice his dignity for Britain. Lots of people in Scotland think that too, but mainly because we relish the prospect of witnessing Davie the PR man having the pee ripped out him and rammed up his Rs.

The Labour party is now frantically seeking a stool softener for Gordon. Anything, in fact, that will help to flush him away, even a loo brush would do but Alistair has refused to supply the badger hair even though diving into toilets in search of putrid rot is his sole area of expertise outside expenses maximisation. Gordie has taken it upon himself to be the Saviour of the Union and to point out all Alistair’s errors in the process, and everyone else’s. But mainly pointing out Alistair’s, because getting one up on an entry on his ever lengthening list of Them What Done Him Wrong is how Gordie understands politics.

It is conceivably possible that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling are the same person. They never appear in the same room together, and rumours persist that Gordon is what Alistair turns into after he’s been hit on the heid by a flying Nokia. What’s harder to conceptualise however, is how Gordon thinks he can be the reasonable Dr Jekyll to Alistair’s nasty Mr Hyde when both of them are equally monstrous.

Gordie’s been making some very unhelpful statements. In his interview with whoever believes he still possesses a nanogramme of credibility – essentially Gordie, his wife, and the UK media – he demonstrated his usual out-of-touch sensitivity to anything that he can’t take credit for himself, saying:

“I think the nationalists want people to think it’s Scotland versus Britain or Scotland versus England. And I think sometimes the government itself has fallen into this trap.”

Which isn’t actually true. It’s the No campaign that wants independence supporters to make out it’s about Scotland versus Britain or Scotland versus England, and Labour is caught up to its scrawny neck in the maws of that trap just as much as the Tories. They’re really quite upset that the Yes campaign hasn’t obliged, so they’ve decided to act as though it was true anyway, in the hope that it will become true if they repeat it often enough.

This is a tactic which is doomed to failure, as anyone who has stood in a newsagents shop clutching a worthless scratchcard will realise. It doesn’t matter how may times you assure the shopkeeper you have won the jackpot, it doesn’t alter the fact that your card shows only a lemon and an unlucky number. The only payout you’re going to get is a Labour MP worded expression of miffedness and an instruction to leave the premises and go and commit an auto-erotic sexual act, which is pretty much the payout Scotland’s voters have been delivering to the No campaign.

But the big problem faced by Project Fear is that Gordie, one of the starring ogres in the Unionist Horror Show, has decided that he’d prefer to be played by Shrek in the slasher movie version – Mike Myers being possibly the only Holywood actor whose Scottish accent is less contrived than Gordon’s. Gordie believes that Project Fear needs to be less ogresome, and should try to persuade Scots of the benefits of a diet of mouldy slugs instead of scaring us with claims that there would be no slugs at all after independence.

So as a result, and as if No Future wasn’t unconvincing enough, Scottish voters are faced with four competing versions of nawness. There’s the devonotatall of official Labour, the devohaha-we-out-devoed-Labour-and-it-wisnae-hard of the Tories, the federal fairyland of the Last of the Lib Dems, and now Gordie’s endogenous devo growth theory – which grows like a bleeding polyp up Alistair’s bum. There is theoretically a fifth version, but Nigel Farage hasn’t told Jibberjabber the Hutt what it is yet – although it promises to be a version of the Lib Dems’ federal fairyland but set in a Narnia that Romanians need an entry visa for.

The only commonality all four possess is that they have an equal chance of successfully negotiating the Commons and the Lords and passing into law, as much chance as the four flavours of ogre icecream, Gordie’s mouldy slug, Alistair’s sour grapes, Tory spoiler and the Lib Dem’s no-we-are-still-here-actually, have of surviving the mince-frying glares of an increasingly impatient Scottish public.

The No campaign was already hopelessly divided and at odds with itself. Gordie’s just opened up a new crack in the not-so-united front. Poor Gordie, he used to have a reputation as a clunking fist, now he’s a clunking fistula.



36 comments on “The clunking fistula

  1. JimnArlene says:

    I won’t be holding my breath but, I do hope this debate happens. Watching Cameron, getting his arsed handed to him, on a plate; would be the clincher. I do suppose, his sphincter would be really clenched.

  2. smiling vulture says:

    BT were trying to give the message,PM doesn’t lower himself to a FMS,shot to pieces by Gord

  3. smiling vulture says:

    Dug—mubblegate tape–looks good material.looking forward to it

  4. macart763 says:

    “Gordie’s been making some very unhelpful statements. In his interview with whoever believes he still possesses a nanogramme of credibilty”

    Wait for it:

    The first para is a beauty Paul.

    It goes downhill from there.πŸ˜€

    • weegingerdug says:

      Aye, I read it. I sighed. We are already a deeply foreign country to Guardian editorialists, and have been for years, they just haven’t realised it yet.

      The bit about hysterical scaremongering and outright lying being “well intentioned” made me laff out loud.

      • macart763 says:

        Must admit, I couldn’t for the life of me put down a sensible comment after that lot. Damn near gave myself whiplash from all the head shaking I was doing.πŸ˜€

  5. innerbearsdenurchin says:

    The Westminster Labour Party (and other related hangers-on) are such a hoot!

    Don’t cha just luv ’em.

    The gift that goes on giving.

  6. Tris says:


    I can’t imagine what Brown was thinking about there… but then that’s not surprising. I can’t imagine what he’s been thinking about for the last 17 years.

    I can only suppose that this is retribution for the horrid things Alistair said about him in his book. (I wouldn’t worry Gordon; no one read it).

    First there was Better Together; then there was Better Together apart (but still with Alistair), and now there’s Gordon Apart.

    Maybe he just fancies embarrassing Cameron who got Gordon’s old house and his office without actually winning an election? After all, a debate between Cambo and Big Eck will be a national embarrassment that will make Angela Merkel’s put down look like a few words of encouragement.

  7. My own feeble thought on GB Paul.
    Inept in comparison but still trying to simplify in between work and walking the Two Wee Scary Dugs!
    ‘The Ego Has Landed….’

  8. David Agnew says:

    Ad the day of reckoning draws near, they are not going to be able to get away with talking utter pish and avoiding the outcome of a no vote. They have to be able to present something – they all do. And that’s what is going to be their undoing. They are unable to speak with one voice on any issue. We veer from being Blood and Soil Nationalists to being the jam in their jelly roll. We are incapable of doing anything for ourselves, but then there is no question of us not being able to go it alone. We are the nation that put the “Great” into Great Britain, but somehow the mere thought of us being independent could lead to a cure for cancer being delayed.

    They constantly gloated at proving Scotland to be a pathetic race of scroungers. We have contributed nothing to the pound, nothing to the UK economy, nothing of cultural value, no language to speak of, no history that isn’t someone else’s, no art, no vision that wasn’t some other persons vision. From Sport to Banking, science, to trade. We are nothing and will amount to nothing. And being in the Union is what makes it all better. The best of both worlds? Think about it. A people who have contributed nothing of value to the union, have the best of both worlds within that union. One can only conclude that the the argument here is that being worthless is what makes a Unionist a proud Scot. Being that worthless in a union is what makes him proud to be British. And they have the brass balls to call us “Anti-English”. These people (I am not counting the poor bastards they have scared shitless into voting no) are the ones who think its OK to have the rUK pay them to stay in the Union. If that is not a dictionary definition of the term Anti-English, i don’t know what is. The irony is that while their little “Proud Scots but..” hearts are swelling with pride, the average English voter is starting to feel mightily pissed off.

    Somewhere along the way, the Union became a hollowed out shell. A convenient fiction. A fudge, a compromise. Was there any point in the past were this could have changed? I believe there was two occasions. The so called spirit of 45 was one. Labour trusting the Scottish people and treating them with respect when the oil was found, was another. The opportunity has passed. The moment has gone. There won’t be another one for the Union. The Union has avoided being put under any serious scrutiny for so long, that now that it has, there simply is no turning back, no way to unring the bell.

  9. Eilean says:

    I see that Better Together has had a bit of a “makeover” and are calling themselves “No thanks”.

    Good idea for a sing along?

    UKIP no thanks. Tories no thanks. Labour no thanks. Lib Dems no thanks.

    ATOS no thanks. Trident no thanks. Iraq no thanks. Afghan no thanks.

    The Lords no thanks. Poverty no thanks, Inequality no thanks. Westminster no thanks.

    Feel free to join in!πŸ™‚

    • macart763 says:

      When we gooooo
      We will send back
      a letter faaarooomm a better land

      Take a loooook
      down that railtrack
      farrrooomm Gretna to John O Groats

      • Eilean says:

        Boothman no thanks. Naughtie no thanks. MacQuarie no thanks. McKinnon no thanks.

        Magnuson no thanks. Addams no thanks. McAuley no thanks. BBC no thanks.

        Scotsman no thanks. Guardian no thanks. Sun no thanks. Daily Mail no thanks.

        Telegraph no thanks. Express no thanks. Times no thanks. Daily Record no thanks.

        • macart763 says:

          A hup
          A hup
          A hup
          A hup

          When I was a young man
          Ah had no chance
          Misery and poverty were all
          that I could see

          But now ah’m older
          An’ there is hope
          a date on the calendar
          a date with destiny

          When we gooooo
          We will send back
          a letter faaarooomm a better land

          Take a loooook
          down that railtrack
          farrrooomm Gretna to John O Groats

          • Eilean says:

            Lamont no thanks. Sarwar no thanks. Bailey no thanks. Miliband no thanks.

            Jimmy Hood no thanks. Davidson no thanks. Balls no thanks. Darling no thanks.

            Cameron no thanks. Osborne no thanks. Duncan-Smith no thanks. Mundell no thanks.

            Carmichael no thanks. Alexander no thanks. Campbell no thanks. Rennie no thanks.


            • innerbearsdenurchin says:

              There was a tat song some years ago where some middle American Mummy was talking to her child and the child was asking for money for the chores he had to do in the house. She sang away about everything she did, and after each one said, “No Charge.”

              Some chanteuse, say Lady Alba could do a parody on that song?

              Guess what it was Tammy Wynette

              Bring a tear to a glass eye.

              • macart763 says:

                The possibilities are endless. No thanks – a gift that will keep on giving.πŸ™‚

                • Eilean says:

                  Aye a Better Together “Mix”

                  Equality no thanks. Prosperity no thanks. Democracy no thanks. Transparency no thanks.

                  Workers rights no thanks. Fairness no thanks. Europe no thanks. Scotland no thanks.

                  Ermine yes please. foodbanks yes please. War yes please. Clout yes please.

                  Austerity yes please. Child poverty yes please. Defence yes please. Oor jobs (for fucks sake) yes please!

                  • macart763 says:

                    I don’t think they really thought this rebrand through properly.πŸ˜€

                    • Helena Brown says:

                      Have to say that Saachi and Saachi have no concept of Scots irony. That is what the other side seem to lack, some good old fashioned ideas of what the Scots regard as de-risible, that is what becomes of becoming a Proud Scot, but.
                      I think you and Eilean should get into the song making business with Paul, now that is where the money is..

  10. jonGZ says:

    But Gordie was too busy hiding under his sulking rock and wouldn’t come out until he was offered a speaking engagement where he got star billing

    Miaaaoo..! But direct hit, once again, below the waterline..

  11. Alba4Eva says:

    With all the toilet humour, Salmond v Cameron might look something like this…

    • Helena Brown says:

      I have to say I was brushing my teeth when I saw this first thing this morning and was grateful that all the dug did as a pup was run away with the loo roll. Brilliant.

  12. Have youse a’ been on the ginger ??? Great stuff..

  13. macart763 says:

    @Helena Brown

    Re: Agents

    So long as they remember that Eilean likes his caviar on a Jacobs Cream Cracker and I take my Irn Bru on ice from Nordic glaciers. Otherwise we’ll go all diva and oor muse will be oot the windae.πŸ™‚

  14. Capella says:

    Good song. You could call yourselves The Exclaimers.

  15. purplebadger says:

    The no campaign as viewed through the medium of an acid flashback.


  16. Helena Brown says:

    Another great post Paul, I have been quoting you to my friend in the States who is none too pleased with the President and Hilary.

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