Danny Alexander’s mythical £1400 UK Dividend will buy you –

1. Enough Lego to build a model aircraft carrier with planes, or one rivet on the two aircraft carriers the UK is building without planes to put on them.

2. Remedial classes in Government Work for Dummies for Danny Alexander because he doesn’t know the difference between the Foreign Office and the cleaning rota in the giftshop in Cairngorm National Park.

3. Alistair Darling’s mortgage interest repayments on his second home.

4. Build a Lego foodbank.

5. Study at an English University for a fortnight.

6. 50 hours of grief counselling for Nick Clegg after the last election results.

7. 500 Lego people so you can have your very own House of Lords.

8. Pay for a publicity agent who realised that mushy peas aren’t a Scottish thing – but it’s all Oop North when you’re an upaid intern on your gap year between private school and Oxford.

9. Pay an ATOS assessment team for a day.

10. One threatened doing from Ian Davidson.

11. A five minute TV interview with Nigel Farage.

12. Enough drugs to make you forget for a few days that Lego comes from a small independent country that’s doing much better for itself than the UK will ever do.

13. A tax cut for a millionaire for a week.

14. Two square metres of flooring tiles in a new London Crossrail station.

15. A lifetime of being patronised by politicians who think we’re children.

16. The week’s wages of a low ranking civil servant who will invent statistics to order.

17. Cleaning up radioactive particles from a beach towel sized area of Dalgetty bay.

18. 2.5 seconds of Scottish Questions in the Commons.

19. Half of the funeral bill for a person who commits suicide after their benefits are cut.

20. 1% of the production costs of a TV programme with Great British in its title.

21. The plane ticket and hotel bill for one night so a UK civil servant to go to Spain and solicit foreign involvement to influence a democratic Scottish debate in favour of a No vote.

22. 0.3 seconds worth of UK annual national debt.

23. A new telly after you broke the last one by throwing a cup of coffee at it when George Osborne talked down to you.

24. 0.04% of Margaret Thatcher’s state funeral costs.

25. Donate it to the Yes Campaign and end this farce for good.

Of course it won’t buy you anything at all, because Danny Alexander just pulled a number out of his backside. Vote No for an imaginary dividend that only exists in Wee Danny’s lying mind, or Vote Yes and get the priceless dividend of being in control of your own destiny and politicians you can vote out of office when they patronise you – and you can be safe in the knowledge that their pals won’t be able to give them a seat in the Lords as a booby prize.


17 comments on “#UkDividend

  1. Martin says:

    Get your moat cleaned ?

  2. […] Danny Alexander's mythical £1400 UK Dividend will buy you – 1. Enough Lego to build a model aircraft carrier with planes, or one rivet on the two aircraft carriers the UK is building without planes…  […]

  3. Capella says:

    The House of Lords has nearly 800 members. It’s the biggest legislature in Europe. Entirely unelected. So item 7 is an underestimate. Needs more Lego bricks.

  4. smiling vulture says:

    3. Alistair Darling’s mortgage interest repayments on his second home.


  5. George Elliott says:

    Please stop I’m in PAIN! as the laughing gets really sore. Well done, another good read.🙂

  6. davidmccann24 says:

    Just had to share it!

  7. Anyone got a cartoon Scot – back view. – showing the zip we’re all assumed to have?

  8. David Agnew says:

    Vote no for the following:

    1. Two aircraft carriers that have no aircraft to carry

    2. Trident mk2. Leased from the US of A to let the UK have a vanity chair on the UN security council.

    3. The Scottish NHS to be brought into line with the English NHS (privatised)

    4. Scottish Water – Privatised

    5. Mortgage levels of debt for your children to inherit if they go to college or university

    6. Means testing for benefits

    7. You didn’t really believe that labour would abolish bed room tax or workfare did you?

    8. Pay a higher rate of tax than anyone else in the UK – you know, because you are Scots.

    9. Being made responsible for raising that tax, but not decide how it is spent.

    10. Leaving the EU.

    11. Attacking Immigrants.

    12. Attacking poor people.

    13. Attacking old people.

    14 Attacking disabled people.

    15 Allowing the most vulnerable to treated like a cash crop by AToS.

    16 Being allowed to legislate for air pistols

    17, Being allowed to legislate for speed limits.

    18, Holyrood being reduced to a Grand council with no powers.

    19. Watch labour occupy the ruins.

    20. Celebrate the birth of another royal sprog.

    Ain’t life grand?

    Better together – because we say so.

    • faolie says:

      Yours is a nice list too. You missed out that we get to finance Crossrail and HS2 though!

    • chicmac says:

      Leave the European Court of Human Rights. Future definition of ‘rights’ (and ‘human’) will be a matter for a UK Supreme court.
      Conscription (aka ‘National Service’) to fight for the next regime change in an unfriendly oil possessing country.
      Roll out of anti-vagrant pavement studs across the country.

  9. faolie says:

    Nice list Paul. I want the aircraft carrier. Pleeeze.

    btw, flicked through the Sun in the cafe. They’re absolutely scathing about the Lego thing. Along the lines of ..’they really do think that we’re stupid, don’t they – bastards..’. More evidence (scant I’ll grant you) of the Sun leaning toward Yes?

    • weegingerdug says:

      I noticed that even the Daily Record’s arch unionist Torcuil Crichton was less than impressed by the “Don’t Lego of the UK campaign”

      Even weirder however was the Lego segment in the BBC’s risible Scotland 2014 programme last night. On their twittering about twitter bit at the end of the show, the big Lego story was that you can now buy a Lego figure of a female palaeontologist. Symbolic innit? As far as the referendum is concerned the BBC is obsessed with old bones and ignores what’s actually happening.

  10. Difficult to chose from that list, but perhaps — ‘1% of the production costs of a TV programme with Great British in its title.’

    And David’s list should have a wider circulation. People really don’t understand the status quo is melting like sna aft a dyke, and that come 19th September, whatever way the vote goes, they will be living in a different country. The only question is whether that country is one of ambition and vision, or one of cuts, increasing poverty and despair.

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