I. And verily it came to pass that the Elders of the Kirk did decide to hold a debate on the independence of the land of Caledon. For the campaign hath caused rent and division, thus is it written in Scripture in the Books of Dailimail and Gaurdion and must be True. And did not the prophets warn that thou shalt not call politicians rude names on Twitter, for it is an abomination in the eyes of the Gord. But the people payeth heed not.
II. Lo! said the Moderator, we shall not take a vote, for if we vote yea the worshippers of Union shall rend their clothes and raise a mighty wail that shalt reach unto the Kingdom of Haverin at Pacific Quay. If we cast a ballot, Better Together shalt refuse to send a speaker at the last minute, Ken MacQuarrie reporteth us not and we shall never get mair bums on pews. For is it not true the Kirk loseth enough to thae mad Wee Frees or long lies in on a Sunday as it is?
III. And thus guaranteed – or so did he think – that he would not suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ridicule, Wee Dougie of Alexander, belovéd of Gord but not of his sister, did hear the call. A host of Magrit Currans and Ian Davidsons appeared to him in a dream, and did chorus: “Furfuxake Darling’s lost it, and thou shalt get thy jotters. Thou best get thine arse in gear, and thou canst save ours while thou art at it. Gaun make like a Holy Wullie, for it is the only thing thou art better at than thy sister.”
IV. And Wee Dougie packed his sub-galactic intelligence upon his Labour donkey and did pass unto the General Assembly whereunto he did speak upon a pedestal with his halo freshly polishéd with Mr Sheen. For was it not written by the Prophet Kokring of Telegraffos that in the End of Days Labour shalt lie down with the Tories and preach obedience to the One True Parlie? For yea it is a vengeful Parlie.
V. Dougie told the parable of the good neighbour, and proclaimed that the land of Caledon must show the loyalty to its neighbours that siblings have for one another. For are we not taught by Westminster that we must pool our resources, and share Scotland’s oil, and deer estates, and grouse moors with our neighbours, or at least the rich ones.
VI. And Dougie sayeth, is it not true that Westminster giveth tax cuts to our rich men, for it is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Sterling than for a Scottish camel to enter Threadneedle Street.
VII. And let us forget not that they allow us to look after their Trident missiles, which is the only potential boom we’re ever likely to be granted.
VIII. All that is good and True is the bounty of Westminster, and we would be lost sheep without a shepherd if it were not for their wisdom and the guidance with which they lead our future to the abbatoir.
IX. Neighbourliness and community, preacheth Wee Dougie, these are the things we can only experience through communion with Westminster. It mattereth not that Westminster has been hell bent on destroying them for the past three decades. For that was just a phase. Honest, ye can trust me, sayeth Dougie. For he was out the room the whole time he was a cabinet minister under the Lord Gord and He Who Must Not Be Mentioned. And so were the two Eds. That unpleasantness is safely out of the way, and so we can return to the True Path to invisible jam in a mythical Jerusalem.
X. And is it not true that if the land of Caledon were to sunder to the demonic armies of AYEbernats we would retreat from the benificence of Westminster’s multiculturalism. For Caledonians would then be foreigners too, but not in an exotic or interesting way.
XI. And is this not a very clever way of insinuating that wanting independence is racist but without actually saying so. See so I am so as bright as Wendy, thinketh Dougie the Smug to himself.
XII. But we must only pool with some neighbours, not foreign neighbours which follow the teachings of false parlies. For the One True Westminster is a jealous Parlie and refuseth to mention the Irish Republic.
XIII. Behold, sayeth Wee Dougie, the fruits of redistribution. Rejoice, for we are truly blesséd with the best of both worlds, and the weapons of mass destruction of one of them.
XIV. Yea, for it is not written in Holy BBC Scripture, but ’tis how better together we really are.
XV. And the people did laugh and mock. Except the Moderator of the Kirk of Scotland, who hath a contractual obligation to keep a straight face.
XVI. Then the people did reply – Aye but the neighbours keep voting Tory and UKIP, and we can’t change that for them. For it profit neither them nor us for us to jump into a barrel of shite and drown with them, as thou knowest fine bloody well. But we can see why thou hast a different opinion.
XVII. And the people cried out, before did we think that thou wert just sanctimonious, but now thou hast taught us well the meaning of Pharisee.
XVIII. Thou getst not the irony dost thou Dougie son? It is a truth uncommonly told that Labour needeth independence far more than the SNP. For it is the only path to your political salvation and through which ye can regain the soul ye sold to your lord Gord and the demon Tony Blair.
XVIX. Thus endeth the lesson on 18 September.