Escaping plans for Nigel

In a desperate effort to get some headlines in a country where most people think the party leader’s name is Bawbag, UKIP’s top candidate in Scotland has accused the SNP of adopting sectarian tactics because of a recent visit to a mosque by Al-Iqsammin. Many UKIP members believe he is a secret Muslim just like Obama, and the minute after independence he’s going to ban bevvy and pork sausages. You can write his name in Arabic letters and Al Qaeda will understand what it means – just how much more evidence do you need?

But if you’re still not convinced, Donald Trump is going to make a video demanding that Al-Iqsammin show his birth certificate, which will prove beyond all doubt that he is in fact a gay shoplifting communist Roma Muslim Romanian windfarm engineer asylum seeker on benefits who can’t be deported because he’s got a cat. And I’m not making this up, or at least, I’m only making things up to much the same extent that UKIP and Theresa May do.

David Coburn, UKIP’s Scottish candidate, is desperately hoping to get a seat, which he can only get if the SNP’s Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh doesn’t get one. The polls aren’t looking good for Davie. Unkind people might think that he was sounding a racist dog-whistle in making a sectarian song and dance out of ‘party leader asks people to vote for his party shock horror’. Thankfully we’re not unkind at all. Milk of human kindness we are Davie, and our milky nature means we can recognise that Davie’s just sour because north of the Border UKIP’s as popular as Maggie Thatcher the Milk Snatcher.

Standing on a milk crate, Davie pointed that if he appeared in a Catholic church people would accuse him of sectarianism. Which would only be true if you were singing the Sash at the time. However more realistically Davie would be unlikely to gain a sympathetic hearing in a Catholic church in Scotland because most of them are full of Scottish-Poles and Scottish-Lithuanians and the priest is likely to be Scottish-Nigerian.

UKIP’s Scottish candidate doesn’t have a high opinion of gay people either. Which is fair enough, gay people don’t have a high opinion of him. He thinks that gay marriage is “rubbing people’s noses in it”. Which is just silly. That only happens at Inuit marriages. Gay marriage is legal in Greenland and Canada, perhaps Davie Coburn spends a lot of time in the Arctic and was unfortunate enough to attend a gay wedding when he had a heavy cold. It’s not nice when a bearded wedding guest reeking of whisky rubs noses with you and your snotters freeze him to your face. It’s even more unpleasant for the other person, especially if he’s a gay Romanian. However it would be a justifiable reason for Davie’s nose rubbing traumas so let’s not leap to the conclusion that he’s just a bit of a bigot, the wee snottery lamb.

Nigel doesn’t condone homophobia, not at all. Oh no. He just thinks that homosexuality makes most people over 70 uncomfortable. Which is peculiar, you’d think by that age they’d have learned the importance of a good lubricant.

UKIP is widely expected to become the largest UK party in terms of vote share in Thursday’s European elections. In Scotland it’s unlikely to gain a seat, although it will probably overtake the Lib Dems in vote share, Scots will still prefer Professor Pongoo, who did it first. Penguins don’t even come from the UK, they come over here and gobble up our fish stocks. They should go back to Penguinia, which as the geographically challenged contestants on Dale Winton’s In It To Win It know is right next door to Romania. This is convenient because such people are UKIP’s target voters. Yet penguins are still more popular in Scotland than UKIP.

UKIP doesn’t seem to have a policy on devolution. In its last manifesto it wanted to replace the Scottish Parliament with a glorified committee of Scottish Westminster MPs, but in August last year while on a visit to Wales Nigel the Bawbag said that was old outdated thinking and he told a reporter for BBC Wales that UKIP was about to unveil a shiny new devolution policy. He still hasn’t told anyone what that policy might consist of however, apart from vague noises about federalism, although the possibility remains slim that Nigel is the Federalism Fairy David Torrance thinks is going to magically deliver a federal UK. This is despite the fact there’s a Scottish independence referendum going on – you’d imagine that ought to have the effect of concentrating the political mind, but it remains uncertain whether UKIP has one of those either.

UKIP are the political bastard offspring of Maggie Thatcher and Tony Blair. Nigel is in no hurry to pin his party down to specific policy measures. In the meantime the party can be a convenient vehicle for voters in the rest of the UK who are disillusioned with politics as usual. The real danger from UKIP is that the other parties will tack even further to the right in a bid to prevent losing support, and as they do so they’ll move ever further away from Scotland’s priorities. If the party does gain the largest vote share after Thursday’s election, the pressures on the Tories and Labour to shore up their dwindling voter bases will be immense. Expect a lot more ‘tough talk’ about benefits, more demonising of migrants and foreigners, and the looming certainty of a referendum on EU membership which could see Scotland out of the EU even if most in Scotland vote to remain.

Most of the results will be announced on Sunday evening, after the ballot has closed in countries where elections are traditionally held on Sundays. In Scotland however, we’ll have to wait until Monday – the Western Isles votes won’t be counted until then – by which time the gulf in political aspirations between Scotland and the rest of the UK will be starkly apparent.

In September we can vote to make Scotland a UKIP free zone, then we no longer need to worry about what plans are being made for Nigel, and we can get on with making our own.




48 comments on “Escaping plans for Nigel

  1. macart763 says:

    That’s the smile sorted for the morning.🙂

    I reckon you’re spot on about clear water being shown on EU preference by next week. It’ll be hard for the press to hide any result which shows a preference for right leaning anti Europe parties and should give the public a real heads up on any in/out EU referendum.

  2. jdmanj says:

    “Donald Trump is going to make a video demanding that Al-Iqsammin show his birth certificate, which will prove beyond all doubt that he is in fact a gay shoplifting communist Roma Muslim Romanian windfarm engineer asylum seeker on benefits who can’t be deported because he’s got a cat.

    Woohahahahahaha thats histerical, I think Im dieing,
    that is so stolen.

  3. Very underrated band XTC.
    Just saying ….

  4. Helena Brown says:

    We need to make this place a Ukip free zone or we will be dragged screaming towards the right also. I agree that when the polls are finished and the results are announced we will see a greater shift in politics in Britain as there seem to be as many Labour supporters down south going towards Nigel.

  5. Bigbricks says:

    Thank you for the usual hugely enjoyable start to my day. Couldn’t agree with you more. UKIP is a party wobbling along the fringes of legality, but bang in the middle of bigoted unacceptability. I honestly believe that UKIP will not gain a seat in Scotland, and will be so disappointed if they do. I think that the measure of difference between the Euro elections in Scotland and England (and our politics in general) is that proportional representation has kept Scotland out of the clutches of more extreme parties, and led to a more liberal (in the general, rather than political sense) approach to our society. In England, first past the post, and a general lurch right, means that many of those least well off have identified UKIP as a party which will represent their interests, without realising that it’s actually even further right than the Tories. The main parties at WM are too self interested to want an involved and informed electorate. They have their eyes set on the rewards of a party career, with a Lords seat at the end of it. WM wants (just) enough interest in politics to give UK elections legitimacy, but not enough to shake the boat and force them to actually improve the country for the majority of inhabitants (and worsen their own material wealth and sense of importance). “A seat at the top table” is basically a system of impoverishing most of the electorate so that a few pompous individuals can preen themselves on the world stage (look at Lord George Robertson for a prime example of the sort of fool the system promotes).
    In Scotland, we’re lucky enough to have a historic chance to break the mould of WM politics, a chance which is the result of an enormous amount of work by many people since 1979. I don’t believe that this chance will present itself again within my lifetime (although admittedly I’m no spring chicken!). Let’s make a start on Thursday, and go for it on 18th September.

  6. Flooplepoop says:

    Al-Iqsammin , classic

  7. […] Escaping plans for Nigel. […]

  8. mary vasey says:

    Brilliant as usual. Thanks for my daily dose of cheer Paul

  9. Eilean says:

    I have been thinking similar thoughts. If (and I hope it is a big if) Better together somehow win the referendum in September. Then the UK votes in a UKIP influenced Tory government (looking more likely by the day). Then in the UK in / out of Europe referendum England votes to leave the EU. and Scotland votes to stay in both with substantial majorities what then?

    I wonder if Scotland would then make UDI noises would we get support from the EU. Anyway Westminster would be shown up as the undemocratic, not fit for purpose parliament it is.

    One way to prevent all of the above!

    • Eilean says:

      Just to add. I think that it is important that supporters of independence get out and vote for a pro-independence party on Thursday. The results will picked over and analised over and over again. This will be one gauge of public opinion that they can’t deny.

    • Lou Nisbet says:

      There is utterly NO CHANCE that BT will win the referendum. As I have said before ignore the BT polls they are completely biased. Look instead at the best indicator that we have – the 2011 SNP wipeout of the Labour party. SNP – 44% Greens 4% – other YES parties 2+%. In other words as an SNP MSP famously said on the night

      ‘ We will hold the referendum when we know we can win it’

      Which was on THAT very night. We are in no danger of losing this. The other defining factor is that the YES vote is very strong whilst the NO vote is comparatively weak. This in itself could represent a SEVEN point advantage to YES. So you could have anticipated AT LEAST a vote of 57%+ for YES back in 2011 never mind what the MSM have done to INCREASE that lead since then.

      If it was not for the fact that we KNOW the BT lot are completely and utterly incompetent we would swear that they were deliberately throwing this. It is likely that in some Conservative plots they ARE doing this but Labour are just uselessly hopeless.

    • At present there is only one way for the UK to be legally dissolved, The Scottish Parliament has to repeal the Acts of Union. For that to happen the pro independence parties need an overall majority in the Scottish Parliament. Westminster lacks the legal authority to alter the Acts of Union, it’s powers being devolved, in the case of England and Wales from the English Parliament ( adjourned 1707), and in the case of Scotland from the Scottish Parliament. Given that the pro independence parties gained an overall majority in 2011 a No vote is unlikely to save the UK (referendums a legally worthless under a Parliamentary system of government), and the Scottish Government is not going to waste it’s time making UDI noises rather it’s going to repeal the Acts of Union.

  10. WRH2 says:

    Extreme politics haven’t just arrived on the scene without any warning. The disillusionment has been evident for a while but the ToryLabLibs have buried their collective heads in the sand. Did they never think of asking themselves why. Had they done so they might have realised that they need do to look at how things are done and made an effort to address the problems. I suspect a lot of people will vote UKIP in England because there is no other choice for them to express their discontent.

  11. I’ve a wee feeling Westmunster might begin to realize we think for ourselves now.

  12. The Rough Bounds says:

    Sheesh! Any chance you could give it a rest regarding homosexuals? I don’t consider myself in the least right wing but, to be frank, the sight of two men kissing one another gars me grue. No amount of P.C. governmental legislation, whether in the Scottish Parliament or the Engish one, is going to alter my instinctive feelings regarding that. In a way you’re like the other side of the same coin as UKIP; You’re both bigots.
    Just leave it out will you please?

    • weegingerdug says:

      Your instinctive feelings are not instinctive. You learned to be a homophobe, now grow up and unlearn it.

      So no sweetie, I won’t be ‘leaving it out’. There’s going to be gay people in an independent Scotland – get used to it. And if you don’t want to read about them – then fuck off out of my blog.

      • JGedd says:

        Well said, wee dug. A bigot is easy to recognize. They simply wish to impose their views on any one else, as he (or is it she?) does. The complainer has the right to go somewhere else if he/she doesn’t like what they read but doesn’t have the right to tell you to shut up.

        You write with humour and understanding, qualities which are above price. Keep writing and ignore the bigots.

      • liz says:

        Rough Grounds has been modded off WoS on at least one occasion for making what I thought was a racist comment regarding how certain folk looked – I think he thought he was being humorous.

      • JimnArlene says:

        Having an openly gay daughter, I find “The Rough Bounds” statement crass and out off touch, with the real world. As my daughter, Rhiannon, would say; “some people are gay, get over it”. I am so proud of Rhiannon, and it really pisses me off that bigotry, like this, still exists in this the 21st century. Paul, keep up the good work and spread the love.

  13. Hearty chuckles in my house…Al-Iqsammin..and wise words..cheers wee dug.

  14. faolie says:

    Och too many laughs in this one for one morning. …the importance of a good lubricant…. Jeez!

    Makes you wonder what Ed M’s going to do come the results though. He still hasn’t committed to in/out yet but his strategists may well be nipping his ears if UKIP sweep the board: FFS Ed do you still think you’re going to win next year without an in/out pledge? Get real or you’re toast. Or words to that effect.

    • He, and the Labour party were toast the day he was elected as leader. Remember Michael Foot, well Ed has as much chance as winning an election as he had. Nil. Hopefully, we will only be observers, amused observers.

  15. diabloandco says:

    There are now so many times that I just love my inbox – thanks!

  16. We’re obviously at the tail end again. Why oh why is the Western Isles constituency not counting until Monday. The vote is on Thursday, which leaves Friday and Saturday for the count to take place. The result need not be announced but could be notified to the returning officer and made public on Sunday along with the other Scottish votes. Instead, we’re to be kept hanging on waiting after all the other Euro results are known.

    • weegingerdug says:

      I’m not entirely certain, but I think that none of the ballot boxes can be opened until all the voting is finished everywhere, and most EU countries hold the vote on Sunday.

      • oldnat says:

        Eilan nan Siar are counting their ballots on Friday. It’s only the local announcement of their results that is delayed till 9.00 am on Monday. I presume the Scottish Returning Officer in Falkirk will have been given the results on Friday, so that the d’Hondt calculations can be made as the other council area results are revealed on Sunday.

  17. No No No...Yes says:

    Al-Iqsammin- the best one yet!

    Regarding D.Trump, I saw him on TV the other day havering about wind farms and suddenly realised he is against them because he doesn’t want to spend money on Harmony hairspray.

  18. Iheartscotland says:

    To paraphrase ‘uncomfortable UKIP homophobes over 70 learning the importance of a good lubricant’

  19. […] In a desperate effort to get some headlines in a country where most people think the party leader's name is Bawbag, UKIP's top candidate in Scotland has accused the SNP of adopting sectarian tactic…  […]

  20. When Nigel leaves, perhaps he could take Trident with him. The MP for Portsmouth wants it!

  21. Nigel Mace says:

    I like your point about the effect of the Wee Free time lapse showing the difference between the two polities. Unintended consequences indeed! Meanwhile, I just can’t wait for Thursday to be over – or for Farage to change his first name.

  22. Mr Kavanagh your post made me laugh, thanks.

  23. Deedee says:

    Think I would love to go on a night out with you Paul! By far and away the most entertaining (as well as informative) pro-indy site and fast taking over from Wings as my favourite. Just so you know I do an Independence “quote of the day” on my Facebook page every day and yours has been my quote for the last two days! Today’s one “Nigel doesn’t condone homophobia, not at all. Oh no. He just thinks that it makes most people over 70 uncomfortable. Which is peculiar, you’d think by that age they’d have learned the importance of a good lubricant.” actually had tears of laughter running down my face. Keep up the good work mate : )

  24. smiling vulture says:

    independence he’s going to ban bevvy and pork sausages


    Free Prozac if vote is NO

    • JimnArlene says:

      Perhaps he will be honest, saying that during the referendum campaign, “I sold my country and soul, to wear ermin robes, with a strong aroma of pish”.

  25. YESGUY says:

    Paul you are a bright star on the darkest of nights . And i keep hot liquids away from when on your pages. You are a clever witty young man and i cannot thank you enough for the laughs and lets not forget , an education .

    it’s a gift to get any message over ,it’s also a gift if you can make folk laugh. You sir do both with a splash of irony and panache. (always wanted to use that word )thank you again Paul.

    The Rough Bound….. you must a right miserable bugger. Anti gay stuff is for the fools and bigots. You can deny your not but look at the comments. And you will always be a bigot until you open your eyes to real life. And thats sad. We are here to discuss issues on Scotlands referendum. You bring up homophobic bull thats not wanted.

    bugger off somewhere else YA BIGOT.

    • JimnArlene says:

      Quite right. On both parts.

    • Deedee says:

      Totally agree, Paul is a total breath of fresh air every day in this debate : ) And also agree, Rough Bound, if you can’t keep your prejudice out of it then stay away from this page.

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