The four whored-men of the acrapolypse

The four whored-men of the acrapolypse, Warmonger Reid, Kiss of Death Murph, Pestilence Prudence Broon, and Wee Dougie who’s starved of affection, are riding across Scotland to rid the land of worshippers of the demon Alicsammin in preparation for the coming of the Tory lairds and just in time for the release of the new Godzilla movie. Better Together is relaunching its campaign only this time it will be headed by Labour’s own Godzillas – Gordie, John Reid, Murph the Smurf and Wee Dougie have all been fingered. Scotland’s likely to reply with a pair of fingers of its own.

How many relaunches is that then? Wasn’t there one of those last year? And another in February? By the time you get to three, it’s no longer a relaunch it’s what happens to a rubber chicken stuffed with a whoopee cushion when it’s tossed out of the window of a London PR and rebranding specialist. Birds are after all the only living descendants of the dinosaurs, so it’s appropriate really.

Labour’s Big Beasts are exactly the same as the city wrecking version found in Japanese B movies, they went through several relaunches and rebrandings too. The only difference is that Labour’s Big Beasties insist upon us paying for a glitter effect lavvy seat before they take a dump in the High Street. At least Godzilla takes care of his own toileting arrangements and isn’t overly concerned with public donations. But it’s not enough that John Reid got taxpayers to pay for his sparkly new bog seat, Labour wants us to kiss the arse of a man they loathe almost as much as disaffected Labour voters do.

There’s a reason John Reid has hitherto not put in an appearance in the independence debate. And it’s because the hatred that the rest of the Labour party has for him is exceeded only by his hatred for them. John never held on to his socialist principles, but he’s got a PhD in holding grudges. He enthusiastically hitched his wandering red star to Tony Blair’s warwagon because he wanted to be a cowboy. However he is a fortunate man, not only has he already got his bahoochy firmly planted on both a sparkly lavvy seat and a bench in the Lords, unlike Dougie he doesn’t need the plebs to love him. He’s already blessed with a close and loving relationship. Every morning he gazes upon the face of only person on the planet that he truly loves and who loves him back, and then he has a shave. The only reason he’s getting involved now is because they really are so desperate that they have to be pleasant to him.

His arch nemesis Gordon Brown has been ‘entering the fray’ ever since the fray started to unravel, which was before Better Together’s stuffed rubber chicken was first hatched in a PR company’s focus group meeting. Gordie pops in and out more often than a drunken knee trembler up a back alley. That always starts with a promise and ends in disappointment too. However Better Together’s Tory strategists have managed to convince themselves that the sympathy we felt for Gordie when he was subject to blatantly anti-Scottish abuse at the hands of the Tory press somehow translates into respect for what he did while in office and a willingness to believe any of the tortured syntax that issues from his conniving gob. We felt sorry for him. But no one wants to vote for an object of pity, especially when the object of pity has made an extremely lucrative career out of preaching about poverty in luxury hotels and conference centres. They really should stop dragging him out. It’s getting cruel now.

Wee Dougie Alexander needs to remember that the next time he does the puppy eyes thing and begs for us to show some solidarity. You know, like he did for his sister. Dougie only wants to be loved for being a clever little boy, but big sis was the one with the galaxy intellect. Dougie was left with the fun sized curly wurly and the task of masterminding Ed Miliband’s 2015 general election campaign. At this stage in the proceedings, Her Maj’s Opposition ought to be enjoying a commanding lead over a collection of clueless public school Tories and Lib Dems with a suicide note. But no, instead UK politics are dominated by a fight between the Tories and UKIP over which one of them is the true inheritor of Maggie Thatcher’s handbags, and Labour is behind in the polls. Dougie knows that the only way Labour can get back into power is by showing they can wield Maggie’s handbag just like the rest of them and by adopting the Iain Duncan Smith approach to statistics. So this one looks like it’s going the same way as the last election campaign that Dougie masterminded, the one that gave the SNP an absolute majority in a system Labour had designed expressly to prevent that happening. How many bites has he taken out that curly wurly so far?

And then there’s the Murph, skulking up from behind and hoping that no one with a vote will notice him. A cut price Jack Straw in an ill fitting suit conspiring against his party enemies in whispers. He was another devotee of Tony’s. Tony is the great unmentionable of Labour’s ProudScottery Promotional Department, the spectre and his 150,000 Iraqi ghosts at Labour’s funeral banquet, whose name cannot pass the lips of Better Together in case the public remember that the four whored-men had sold themselves for that one too.

Better Together believe that disaffected Labour supporters in Scotland can be persuaded to place their trust in a party and a parliamentary system by the very same bunch who trashed that trust in the first place. They embody most of the reasons we’re having this independence debate. They’re not the solution, they’re the problem. But they’re going to come and lecture us about the dangers of alicsammin anyway. Which is why they will convince no one, it’s not about alicsammin, Scottish independence is a non-prophet organisation.

Meanwhile details of the secret poll suppressed by Westminster have started to leak out. Rumour has it that when asked whether they thought that the intervention of Gordon Brown would aid the No campaign: 47% of respondents broke out into derisory laughter, 16% demanded he reimburse the losses they’ve suffered to their work pension plan, 21% said they they were too creeped out by his photograph to answer, 11% said there is nothing he could ever say now that they could possibly believe, 4.9% said ‘Who?’, and 0.1% said they were related to him and had to agree because they need to face him at family New Year gatherings and he’s a kill-joy enough as it is.

99.98% agreed that George Osborne is an alien space lizard, and 0.02% are Ruth Davidson. Asked their views on his Sermon on the Pound, 62% said it made no difference because they never believed a word Osborne had ever said before anyway, 23.5% said it made them throw a mug of hot coffee at the telly, and 1130% said they couldn’t give a shit about numbers and statistics and currencies because it’s not about money, it’s about democracy.

The only accountancy some of us are interested in is making sure our politicians are held to account. We can only do that with a yes vote. We can’t do it with the four unaccountable accountants of Labour’s love in with power.



38 comments on “The four whored-men of the acrapolypse

  1. jonGZ says:

    Wow, you surpass yourself, perrito. Alucinante!
    “non-prophet organisation”.. brilliant. 😊

  2. “Dougie only wants to be loved for being a clever little boy, but big sis was the one with the galaxy intellect.”

    Yes a planetry sized min.


    or was that one of her Moons, Jackie Baillie?

    The Old ones are still the best.

    I’ll get ma fur coat.

    • northbritain says:

      I always find it incredible that wee Dougie is touted as Labour’s brains! He has a habit of talking meaningless advertising drivel and is boring with it.

      His track record of failure is long and depressing.

      However it seems he has no problem letting other people take the blame. Metaphorically throwing his sister under the bus is a measure of the man; only looking out for himself.

      Wendy at least had the political savvy to realise that a short campaigned Independence referendum at a time of the first minority Scottish Govt would have been extremely difficult for Yes to win; and the Independence Question would have probably been sidelined for a generation.

      Privately she must now take pleasure in the fact that her arrogant brother is now leading a No campaign destined for failure. She will feel vindicated. In fact her star may rise with independence.

      Don’t feel sorry for Dougie on the Yes vote in September. I’m sure he’ll throw Alistair Darling and Blair McDougall under the bus and – with his flair for empty bullshit – re-write his CV again . Luckily, he has a great track record of that!

  3. diabloandco says:

    I just love that last paragraph – I will repeat it ad nauseam!

  4. Sheila Rae says:

    Excellent, as usual

  5. macart763M says:

    I’m wondering which one of the four is bringing the sunshine strategy.

    Gordon Brown, John Reid, Jim Murphy, Droopy Alexander and sunshine. Bwahahahhahahahahaha!😀

  6. David Agnew says:

    It’s a relaunch of a campaign that was firmly beached the minute Alistair Darling started blethering about what a colossal failure he was as chancellor, and how he thought we wouldn’t be able to listen to “British” music if we voted yes. Since then there has been a steady flood of campaign relaunches, with exactly the same message. The no borders campaign after careful analysis decided to do exactly the same as the first campaign. Lots of faces next to quotes, many of which could easily be arguments for not joining the Union. I am awaiting the next, “sausage roll, roll and sausage – we’re better together” video any moment now…you know something cringe inducing is lurking in the wings.

    The law of diminishing returns would argue that a campaign that is eroding support, is not going to turn round if you shout it a bit louder. Ask a Scottish Tory how “banging the drum” has worked out for them.

    A theme I keep coming back to is one of Political senility. I think with a relaunch featuring blustering fools, who failed the UK in its moment of need in 2008 – are hardly the faces that will save it now. Old unionist blues – gazing backwards to the what was, unable to see the present let alone the future. We can’t let these idiots win.

  7. Helena Brown says:

    I read this whilst cleaning my teeth, shall we say they got cleaned but I had to reset the page so much laughing I had to come down to the laptop to finish it.
    Who the hell do they think they are convincing, do they think we are actually daft or at least dafter than those in the South. I see them trying to march what they see as their supporters back into line and that is all.
    I could take issue with Wendy having a bigger intellect than her brother, if she has it is well hidden or at least did not come with any common sense that she could not see that those gunning for her were the party she supported. Wee Jackie Baillie had much to do with he demise hence she kept her place as “ahem” Shadow Heath Minister.

    • macart763M says:

      I’m finding it hard to take their ‘intervention’ seriously at all. I keep picturing Reid wearing one of those whirling, lit up bow ties in an attempt to be positive, whilst having a kisser that looks like a bulldog licking pee off a thistle.

      • Helena Brown says:

        This has been an excellent day for a good laugh, have you Macart thought about writing a blog?

        • macart763M says:

          Don’t have the talent, although I envy those who do.

          This site especially is becoming a firm favourite of mine. Humour really is the best medicine and Paul is an excellent doctor for what ail you. I start the morning laughing like a drain at the dug’s view on proceedings and very little phases me from the forces of darkness thereafter.🙂

  8. Margaret W says:

    R.T had a scathing wee article yesterday about Teflon Tony, they showed his latest photo, casually dressed standing in front of a Union flag with the words no surrender The reporter called him an alleged war criminal I would miss out the word alleged myself. I live in hope of seeing the lot of them being hauled in front of the Hague

  9. […] The four whored-men of the acrapolypse. […]

  10. faolie says:

    Jings, that was funny. Non-prophet organisation…

    I’m already looking forward to the next relaunch, maybe after the commie games. Has to be Davie and Prince Charles, surely, if only on the basis that it couldn’t get any worse. Oh wait..

  11. You have written many brilliant pieces Paul, but now you are exceeding even your own very high standard. Absolutely hilarious. Did you ever write for Spitting Image?

  12. Lou Nisbet says:

    I must say this about the referendum – I wish it was a neverendum. I’ve never laughed so much in my whole life

    ‘whilst having a kisser that looks like a bulldog licking pee off a thistle.’

    Oh Christ! The writers in Scotland have been let loose By this site and Wings Over Scotland

    faolie says:
    15 May, 2014 at 10:04 am
    Sooooo, the £1,700 increase in mortgages didn’t work so well eh? Right, I’m going to make it at least, at least, er…

    £4,500 chancellor?

    Yes, that sounds about right. Thank you Sir Nicholas.

    Priceless completely priceless.

  13. The failed has-beens trying to dictate our future. They’re merely individuals with one vote each, just like the rest of us. Let’s hope the voters they’re being sent in to target set them right about a few things.

  14. smiling vulture says:

    Wee Dougie who’s starved of affection


  15. Clarinda says:

    Your fourth last paragraph is the absolute clincher – “They’re not the solution, they’re the problem.”

    It must be infuriating for BT to note, if they do, the quality of well-targeted humour and the quantity of well-deserved debunking that can be mustered by the Independence supporters at BT’s increasingly witless behaviours and pronouncements.

    I’m really not surprised by the secret poll percentages – I presume it was that darned Secret Squirrel that tried to hide his nuts again?

  16. scotsgeoff says:

    Gordon Brown, a man whose office told me ‘health is not Gordon’s remit’ when I (as one of his constituents) asked for help when my dementia suffering mother’s engagement ring went missing in hospital (he never replied to my registered letter either); a man who soon after at Adam Smith Graduation Day spoke at great lengths to graduates about the value of the NHS and health services.

    This creep of a man would sell his granny to get his picture in the paper.

    There are very few people I detest (because it gives them free rent in my head) but
    Gordon Brown is one I find hard not to.

    BTW ‘Scottish independence is a non-prophet organisation’ is the quote of the campaign.

  17. Nana says:

    Wozzer what a fantastic article.

  18. It’s not about Alicsammin. Scottish independence is a non-prophet organisation.

    Get that right there on t-shirts and posters, man. Seriously, that’s brilliant.

    • Helena Brown says:

      Indeed, a real good laugh. Spent a wee while on the Telegraph, I know I am a glutton for punishment and I dare say I will get it. One guy lying to his back teeth about abuse his “Sons” got at a funeral in Glasgow. Supposedly Gaelic speakers from Orkney? All the nasty Nats singing Irish Rebel Songs, at a funeral, I told him to stop talking drivel and finally left. Made the Guardian look very tame. We have also come to the conclusion that because those in the South are Nationalist and xenophobic then so are we Scots who are voting YES. Try as you might you will never dissuade them other wise.

  19. […] The four whored-men of the acrapolypse, Warmonger Reid, Kiss of Death Murph, Pestilence Prudence Broon, and Wee Dougie who's starved of affection, are riding across Scotland to rid the land of wors…  […]

  20. Sheila Dowling says:

    You are a wonderful writer! Thanks for this.

  21. jamie macdonald says:

    AAAHHHaaaaaahhaaaahhahahahahahah! those are the best poll statistics yet!- no wonder they didnae want anybody seeing them! Should’ve read this earlier though, cos your right macart763M very little phases you after you walk the ‘dug’! There’s another indy song in there if you want it Paul,- …Jist-a, jista, jista, walkin, -an’ if ye think we canny dae it, then go an’ huv a walk wi the dug!

  22. YESGUY says:

    What a day it has been for some of the most outstanding blogs ever. We have been quite spoiled today with all the fear mongering and scares being laughed at on almost every site.

    You have done yourself another cracking piece Paul, as we have now come to expect and I hope after we gain Independence folk like you are approached to write for and replace a MSM which will never be forgiven for the lies and abuse of their positions.

    I would gladly by a rag with any of your words in them . You and the other countless souls out there bring a lot of light relief to all the drivel forced on us.

    thank you

  23. semus says:

    Is it the watter?Is it the trams?Yer gettin even better. Yer makin ge up earlier to get my fix of the weeginger.I love laughing at the Onionists.It is so heathy.Semus

  24. I like to think I can hold my own in literal sarcasm but you’re in orbit my friend! Thanks again you just made my night with that. Can feel a conversation coming on at work tomorrow.

    Another couple of small contributions from me….

  25. dennis mclaughlin says:

    well written and enjoyable as usual Wee Ginger Dug.

    All politicians of every hue should be made to watch Denis Curran’s video below.

    this man’s experience of Scotland today shows what an absolute disgrace our Great Britain is in when we are experiencing Victorian levels of deprivation in 2014.

  26. yerkitbreeks says:

    ” Scottish independence is a non-prophet organisation. ” As NewsNight had the WoS logo up last night, I hope they’re also checking your site and taking this statement to heart.

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