Nationalist nasturtiums and the new poll tax

A terrifying new development has occurred in the independence debate, conclusive proof of the Labour party’s claims that Unionists are being subjected to a coordinated campaign of victimisation and intimidation. Alan Titchmarsh is on his way to Falkirk to report on the shocking news – the threat of nasty nationalist nasturtiums and anti-English anenomes to the Great British potted plant.

Without the slightest consideration for Unionists with hayfever, for the past 14 years the thoughtless followers of the Beechgrove Garden in the SNP’s Falkirk branch have held an aggressively bullying sale of potted plants every year outside the town’s Thornhill Road Community Centre where they foist secessionist sweet peas upon unsuspecting citizens.

Alicsammin has sent them orders to taunt the Union with window boxes. They make Labour committee members who’ve forgotten their anti-histamines cry, and the evil pruners of the Flowers of Union are doing it deliberately. That’s just how vile these people are. They’re even in alliance with Greens, although all the vegetables are firmly on the side of Westminster.

And to think that they’re doing this at the same time as the Chelsea Flower Show, trying to take away attention from Great British Gardeners like Diarmuid Gavin and his inventive idea for a garden based on Labour’s Scottish devo policy. It’s wilted, colourless, and is in the shape of a maze without an exit which leads you on a devolution journey in an ever decreasing circle to a beartrap in the middle. Just follow the sign marked ‘jam. Once you go in, you never come out again.

What do you mean he’s Irish? He can’t be foreign, he’s on the BBC furgodssake. Do you need any more evidence that separatists have no shame? The Daily Mail and the Guardian don’t.

Speaking from a secret location, a Labour party member said:

“It was awful. We had planned to hold a Labour party committee meeting, but getting there would mean running the gauntlet of a bouquet of carnations and exposing ourselves to foul SNP abuse in the form of perfumed plants and the very real threat that someone might brandish a gladiolus. It was just too much for us to bear, what with that recent incident in Edinburgh involving a Yes sticker which vandalised Ian Murray MP’s office door and covered up a part of his priceless collection of Edinburgh Young Team Ya Bass graffiti.”

Between sobs, he added, “This campaign of terror against the reputation of the Labour party in Falkirk has to stop. First Eric, then Grangemouth, and now this.”

When asked whether Alicsammin was going to apologise for the shocking flower display, a spokesperson for Yes Scotland said: “Whit? Oh grow up you idiot.”

However our fearless reporter could not help but notice a menacing camelia on the desk, and slowly backed out of the door.

Next week, Glenn Campbell will present a special report on how wind patterns from Siberia are devastating British annual perennials, and how it’s all the fault of Alicsammin and his pal Vlad.

Meanwhile, shocking news has surfaced about a new poll tax. Taxpayers have coughed up fifty grand for an opinion poll commissioned by Westminster. Polling into Scottish attitudes towards the independence referendum was reportedly carried out by IPSOS Mori in January, but never saw the light of day because for some odd reason IPSOS Mori only asked people who had not been pre-vetted by Better Together, and the results were skewed by normalcy.

Reports that the poll showed a strong surge in support for yes have been sidestepped by Nick Clegg, who’s terrified that people will keep calling him a liar. You know he wants to deny it, but he’s being being bullied by a pensioner from Leuchars who hopes his floral display of red white and lavender will get him a seat in the House of Lords.

Is there a reason that public opinion is a state secret?  Can public opinion even be secret?  Have Bertold Brecht’s DDR commissars flitted from East Berlin to the East Neuk?

After the uprising of the Edinburgh Agreement
The secretaries of the Westminster Union
Had leaflets distributed in the Glesca Subway
Stating that the people
Had forfeited the confidence of the government
And could win it back only
By redoubled efforts. Would it not be easier
In that case for the government
To dissolve the people
And elect another?




26 comments on “Nationalist nasturtiums and the new poll tax

  1. mary vasey says:

    Thanks Paul for cheering me up tonight. I should have pleasant dreams tonight, hope you & yours have too. 😎

  2. WRH2 says:

    I now have sore ribs from laughing. Never thought flowers could be so menacing! Labour cancelling a meeting because of a flower stall has got to be the biggest joke of this referendum campaign yet. Loved the comment, when asked if Alecsammin was going to apologise, “Whit, oh grow up you idiot”. Many a true word etc, etc….

  3. Jings, crivens, help my boab!
    Just round the corner from Borland Towers infact.
    If I’d known there was a rammie nearby, I could have joined in!

  4. Capella says:

    It’s almost impossible to satirise these people when their actions are already surreal. But you managed it! Looking forward to the secret ballot being outed.

  5. Ian Brown says:

    Are these the “Flowers of Scotland”?
    I have only been reading this for a few weeks and I needed to post – can I call you Paul?

  6. YESGUY says:

    superb and a big cheesy grin on my face that wont go away. Cheers that was a tonic.

  7. David Agnew says:

    Here comes the Diddymen – The Scottish Labour Diddymen
    Here comes the Diddymen, who’re full of silly diddy scares.
    Here comes the Diddymen who make a giant diddy noise.
    Here comes the Diddymen, Johanns dotty Diddymen
    Here comes the Diddymen, Itty Bitty Diddy Men
    Here comes the DiddyMen who come from Christ knows where

  8. Presumably the Labour meeting was composted?

  9. dennis mclaughlin says:

    They Triffids are Monstering us again !.

  10. […] Nationalist nasturtiums and the new poll tax […]

  11. macart763m says:


    Treats fur the dug today.

    Aye they’d better no come chappin’ on my door looking for a vote. I’ve a Japonica with an attitude problem at the front gate.😀

  12. macart763M says:

    I’m sure the dug may have a thought or two on this later but, wow.😀

    The ‘big beasts are coming’. Reid, Murphy and Alexander ‘Labour voices for Labour voters’.

    Anyone else feeling a tad patronised and insulted? Ed reckons that sending some party wonks up who speak the lingo will make a difference.

    • faolie says:

      That sounds good. Last time I heard from Murphy he was filleted, stuck on a skewer and roasted by Hayley Millar on GMS. Absolutley hopeless.

      And Lord John? I’m sure he’ll appeal to the workers.

  13. Too much hilarity here.I actually planted nasturtium seeds in the windae box yesterday.Should ah be feart???

  14. Helena Brown says:

    Word to anyone of a tender disposition in Labour, I have two Rowan Trees in my front garden. Now if you know your Scottish Mythology you will know these keep witches away. So word to the wise and this is for you Mags Curran and you Johann Lamont, and of course my local MSP thone wee lassie whose name escapes me she is such an nonentity, you know the recent one in Dunfermline.

  15. smiling vulture says:

    thx to this Westminster non poll–everyone is guessing much better results for YES,than it probably is,so a disaster either way for BT team

  16. Eilean says:

    This explains why Vote No borders is an astroturf organisation!

    Im away to the garden centre.🙂

  17. Andy MacNicol says:

    I didn’t understand this one until I googled it. Even then I could not believe it but it appears to be true. Think of all those Labour stalwarts and firebrands of the last hundred years who are not turning in their graves but rolling over and over killing themselves (?) laughing at the state of today’s party, who are feart of pansies. You couldn’t make it up.

  18. andygm1 says:

    I have a Mecanopsis here and I’m not afraid to use it!

  19. andygm1 says:

    And they’re doing it deliberately!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s