A terrifying new development has occurred in the independence debate, conclusive proof of the Labour party’s claims that Unionists are being subjected to a coordinated campaign of victimisation and intimidation. Alan Titchmarsh is on his way to Falkirk to report on the shocking news – the threat of nasty nationalist nasturtiums and anti-English anenomes to the Great British potted plant.
Without the slightest consideration for Unionists with hayfever, for the past 14 years the thoughtless followers of the Beechgrove Garden in the SNP’s Falkirk branch have held an aggressively bullying sale of potted plants every year outside the town’s Thornhill Road Community Centre where they foist secessionist sweet peas upon unsuspecting citizens.
Alicsammin has sent them orders to taunt the Union with window boxes. They make Labour committee members who’ve forgotten their anti-histamines cry, and the evil pruners of the Flowers of Union are doing it deliberately. That’s just how vile these people are. They’re even in alliance with Greens, although all the vegetables are firmly on the side of Westminster.
And to think that they’re doing this at the same time as the Chelsea Flower Show, trying to take away attention from Great British Gardeners like Diarmuid Gavin and his inventive idea for a garden based on Labour’s Scottish devo policy. It’s wilted, colourless, and is in the shape of a maze without an exit which leads you on a devolution journey in an ever decreasing circle to a beartrap in the middle. Just follow the sign marked ‘jam‘. Once you go in, you never come out again.
What do you mean he’s Irish? He can’t be foreign, he’s on the BBC furgodssake. Do you need any more evidence that separatists have no shame? The Daily Mail and the Guardian don’t.
Speaking from a secret location, a Labour party member said:
“It was awful. We had planned to hold a Labour party committee meeting, but getting there would mean running the gauntlet of a bouquet of carnations and exposing ourselves to foul SNP abuse in the form of perfumed plants and the very real threat that someone might brandish a gladiolus. It was just too much for us to bear, what with that recent incident in Edinburgh involving a Yes sticker which vandalised Ian Murray MP’s office door and covered up a part of his priceless collection of Edinburgh Young Team Ya Bass graffiti.”
Between sobs, he added, “This campaign of terror against the reputation of the Labour party in Falkirk has to stop. First Eric, then Grangemouth, and now this.”
When asked whether Alicsammin was going to apologise for the shocking flower display, a spokesperson for Yes Scotland said: “Whit? Oh grow up you idiot.”
However our fearless reporter could not help but notice a menacing camelia on the desk, and slowly backed out of the door.
Next week, Glenn Campbell will present a special report on how wind patterns from Siberia are devastating British annual perennials, and how it’s all the fault of Alicsammin and his pal Vlad.
Meanwhile, shocking news has surfaced about a new poll tax. Taxpayers have coughed up fifty grand for an opinion poll commissioned by Westminster. Polling into Scottish attitudes towards the independence referendum was reportedly carried out by IPSOS Mori in January, but never saw the light of day because for some odd reason IPSOS Mori only asked people who had not been pre-vetted by Better Together, and the results were skewed by normalcy.
Reports that the poll showed a strong surge in support for yes have been sidestepped by Nick Clegg, who’s terrified that people will keep calling him a liar. You know he wants to deny it, but he’s being being bullied by a pensioner from Leuchars who hopes his floral display of red white and lavender will get him a seat in the House of Lords.
Is there a reason that public opinion is a state secret? Can public opinion even be secret? Have Bertold Brecht’s DDR commissars flitted from East Berlin to the East Neuk?
After the uprising of the Edinburgh Agreement
The secretaries of the Westminster Union
Had leaflets distributed in the Glesca Subway
Stating that the people
Had forfeited the confidence of the government
And could win it back only
By redoubled efforts. Would it not be easier
In that case for the government
To dissolve the people
And elect another?