The Guardian’s golfing correspondent, Sevvie Bull-As-Stories, has been at it again, trying to hit Scottish independence into the long grass with a mighty whack from his Pinocchio nose. According to Sevvie, who is rapidly acquiring a reputation as the Alan Cochrane of Islington Towers, evil alien lizard overlord Alicsammin has threatened to turn his death ray on the poor EU’s fishing rights, leaving Brussels cowering in terror at his shameful piscine bullying.
In the clickbait that constituted Sevvie’s article, Alicsammin threatened to exclude 12 EU member states from Scottish fishing waters if an independent Scotland is excluded from the EU. Sevvie cherry picked parts of the speech Alicsammin delivered in Bruges on Monday in order to make out that he was threatening devastation for the rest of the EU if they don’t grant Scotland membership. It’s possibly the first time that we’ve seen trolling and trawling simultaneously, at least in the pages of the Guardian.
You can read the entirety of the Bruges speech here. It’s remarkably light on bullying and threats, and doesn’t contain any passages along the lines of “Bow before me puny humans.” Of course we may have missed those, what with us being under the influence of Alicsammin’s hypno-ray.
But all that happened in real life, as opposed to the fervid imagining of Sevvie, was that it was quite reasonably pointed out that if Scotland is excluded from the EU, as has been threatened repeatedly by the UK Government and its allies, then the EU deprives itself of access to Scottish fishing grounds – which contain some 20% of EU fish reserves. He also made the point that EU access to Norwegian waters depends on reciprocal arrangements with the UK, which granted Norway access to Scottish waters. If the EU were to exclude Scotland from membership, they also exclude themselves from access to Norwegian waters.
This is considerably less of a threat than “we’re not going to let you use the pound”, or “we’re considering annexation if you persist in trying to get rid of Trident”. However in Guardianland, it is bullying to point out that Westminster’s threats have consequences for Westminster which might be as unpalatable as a two week old fish supper.
Sevvie doesn’t attempt to explain the logical consequence of his own chain of thought – just why should Scotland continue to allow EU nations access to Scottish fishing waters if the EU has excluded Scotland from the EU and won’t allow Scottish trawlers access to EU waters? Should we continue to allow EU trawlers into our waters out of the kindness of our internationalist hearts then?
Sevvie doesn’t attempt an explanation because there is no logical basis to his argument. Except that is, the logical basis of stirring up as much mud as possible from the murky depths in the hope that some of it will stick on the yes campaign. OOOooooh see that Alicsammin. He’s a BAD man who’s going to stop lickle kiddies in England from getting their fish fingers. If you vote for him you’ll be bad too. See that small child plaintively clutching an empty box of Findus? That’s your fault that is, nasty cybernat. That’s the only logic Sevvie needs.
Memo to Sevvie: This hasn’t worked up until now. What makes you think it’s going to start working now that you and your pals have already blown their credibility with currency threats, warnings of alien invasions, and the cataclysm facing Western civilisation if Scotland votes for independence?
I suspect that Sevvie himself neither knows nor cares. He’s struck on a reliable formula which will ensure that the Guardian keeps commissioning more articles from him. Stirring up hatred for Scotland amongst the swivel eyed loons of UKIP who have descended on the Guardian like a purple rash ever since the Telegraph had a bonfire of their commenting rights vanities is a price well worth paying.
I can’t wait until September, then we can tell Westminster, the Guardian, and Severin Carrell – so long, and thanks for all the pish.