Alicsammin: The UK press believes the referendum question is “Do you want Scotland to be an alicsammin country?” It’s all about Alicsammin. Alicsammin is the only person in Scotland who wants independence, no one else had ever thought of the idea before he did. This is why the press constantly attacks Alicsammin, because if people don’t like him they wouldn’t dream of voting yes.
Anglophobia: Any sentence uttered by a supporter of Scottish independence which contains the words “England” or “English”.
Banter: A racist slur directed against Scottish people in the UK media. It’s just a bit of a laff.
Barroso: An EU mannikin, a Portuguese Tory with pals in the Spanish Partido Popular – but he’s still a neutral voice of authority because he’s foreign. Barroso is the latest technological advance in talking dolls, no more having to pull a on a string to hear a selection of rote comments – if you offer to support his candidacy for the post of chief of NATO, you can get him to say anything you want.
BBC: The neutral, unbiased and utterly impartial broadcasters of Great British News Bake Off, a light hearted competition presented by Andrew Marr in which contestants vie to cook up scare stories against independence from sour dough.
Big Beast: A Westminster dinosaur with a well padded bank account and an enormous sense of entitlement.
Bullying: Criticism of Westminster, any unionist, or any unionist media outlet, by an online supporter of Scottish independence. The British Government is regularly bullied by an arthritic granny in Fife whose grandson bought her a laptop for Christmas. She keeps sending Alistair Darling messages telling him his tea is oot.
Currency union: Mentioning a currency union will provoke a temper tantrum, foot stamping, and “But you can’t make me! It’s not fair!” – which results in being put on the naughty debt step.
Cybernat: An independence supporter with an internet connection and an attitude. According to the Unionists, cybernats are controlled by Alicsammin’s mind control waves and form part of an organised and highly disciplined army of robots which Alicsammin can switch on an off simply by sticking his tongue in a filling. This is sadly mistaken, cybernats think independently.
Devo Journey: The process by which the Labour party ensures it has power in Holyrood and Alistair Darling gets a seat in the House of Lords.
Devomax / Federal Britain: A unicorn, occasionally glimpsed by wishful thinkers and fantasists.
Difficult questions: Questions where the answer is withheld by the questioner, like a magic trick performed by an end of the pier conjurer but with Johann Lamont instead of a cute fluffy bunny. The process works by a combination of distraction techniques and ensuring that the audience don’t have enough information to be able to work the trick out for themselves – like the UK Government’s trickery over Scottish EU membership, or Labour’s devo-diddlysquat proposals and hints of possible jam. Better Together are believed to have employed Paul Daniels as a consultant on difficult questions. Sadly they ignored his advice to get rid of the fright wig.
Foreigner: A state of alienation and abandonment which prevents you from laughing at British comedy shows. Citizens of the Irish Republic are immune, and are also immune from being brought up by Unionists as an example when they assert Scots will become foreign.
Galloway: An ego on stilts and the true saviour of the Union. Galloway will save the Union by asking everyone to wait for a properly socialist Labour party. He doesn’t know when it will arrive, he doesn’t know how to create one, but he thinks it’s a good idea because it keeps him on the telly. His flag is a red flag, and in order to make sure his flag keeps on being the red flag, he wants Scotland to have a red white and blue one.
Hatred: The misguided belief that a country is best governed by the people who live there.
Naughtie: Unit of measurement for anti-independence bias on the BBC. One Naughtie is worth ten Reporting Scotlands and five Sally Magnussons.
Nationalism: The root of all human evil, but thankfully Westminster is immune which is why they’ve never done anything bad, ever. British nationalism is the only non-nationalist nationalism on the planet because it stops people in the UK from being foreign. And being foreign is bad, but it’s not nationalist to say that if you’re British.
Negativity: Any expression of confidence in the future of Scotland which doesn’t include a high profile post for Jim Murphy.
Positive case for the Union: A species of jam tomorrow, always promised but never arrives.
Proudscotbut: A defense mechanism employed by Unionist politicians when making statements or adopting policies which are damaging to Scotland. As a small reluctantly Catholic child I made use of a similar strategy in order to avoid getting penance when my mammy dragged me to Confession. Simply recite a list of made up minor sins, and end them with “And I tell lies” so you are covered for all of the above. Proudscotbut has the same effect in the independence debate, and covers up for a multitude of mortal sins that Unionist politicians won’t admit to. Neither god nor the Scottish electorate is going to be fooled.
SNP: The only political party supporting Scottish independence, but only because they’re controlled by Alicsammin’s mind waves. They don’t really support independence, they’re just blinded by Alicsammin’s halo.
Thinking it through: What independence supporters haven’t done during the past 50 years or so that independence, the constitutional question, and the Scottish identity have been debated and discussed in Scotland. People from south of the border who have just arrived at the debate and know nothing about it are able to think things through in the 10 seconds it takes them to leave an irate comment in the Guardian complaining that Alicsammin hates English people.
Uncertainty: The only uncertainties are what happens after independence. The Union gives Scotland the certainty that it will continue to get Tory governments and things will stay as crap as they are just now forever. The Union also gives us the certainty that things will get much much worse after Westminster has pissed away the last of the oil revenues without investing them in Scotland’s future.