Union intelligence

I suppose I really ought to tackle Project Fear’s latest scare story, but they scarcely raise much in the way of righteous indignation amongst Yes supporters any more.  You can only give reasonable and informed responses to Unionist idiocies for so long before you start to feel that by taking them seriously you are granting them some sort of credence.  Sometimes the most appropriate response really is: “Away you shut yer geggie, ya choob.  The grown ups are talking.”

Seemingly unaware of her boss’s recent pronouncement that the indy debate was for “Scots living in Scotland”, Tory Home Secretary Theresa May made a security inspection north of the Border last week, to tread her leopard print Manolo Blahniks all over us uppity Scottish people.  The restriction of the debate to “Scots living in Scotland” apparently applies only to David Cameron desperately trying to make out he’s not onto a loser by debating Alex Salmond.

Terry felt it was important for us to know that if we’re foolish enough to opt for indy, we’ll no longer enjoy the protection of GCHQ, although they’ll still tap our phones, read our emails, and forward our YouTube links of trampolines getting blown away in Hurricane Bawbag to the Pentagon.

However instead of blowing away the indy campaign, Terry’s arguments came across with the resounding clap of a silent fart in gale.  It was like watching an airhead from Made in Chelsea trying to explain particle physics.  It was more haud ma designer handbag than Hurricane Bawbag, a Tory version of Johann and Magrit’s stairheid rammies.

Even the normally slavish Scottish media couldn’t be arsed to give her much in the way of coverage.  Perhaps they’re slowly becoming aware that by reporting the contributions of Westminster Tories to the indy debate they are coming to have all the credence of Westminster Tories themselves.  These are after all people who struggle to differentiate Balmoral from Balornock, yet all of a sudden are experts in Scotland’s potential, or rather lack thereof, as an independent state.

But for what it’s worth, Terry opined that after independence Scotland will be cast adrift and left to the mercy of evil terrorists who will insist that Johann Lamont wears a burqa.  Which at least means that when she’s in hiding and doesn’t want anyone to recognise her she’ll still be able to pop out to the shops for a deep frozen lie-pie to hurl at Alex Salmond.  So it’s not all bad news then.

In the accompanying press release, the Home Office warned us that Scotland and England would not enjoy the friendly relations we’ve enjoyed as part of the Union for “the past 210 years”.   The first century of the 306 year long Union was just the beta testing, so didn’t really count.  It’s probably best to draw a silent veil over all those Jacobite wars, rebellions and invasions by General Wade.  Westminster is certain they’ve ironed out the bugs in the game software now.  Experienced users of the Union should know that the way the game is stacked against you and crashes at crucial moments isn’t a bug.  It’s a feature.

Terry thinks small countries are especially vulnerable to terrorists, which is why the citizens of Finland are rarely to be seen on the streets of Helsinki, they’re forced to sit indoors all day watching reruns of Borgen and Wallander while drinking home-brewed vodka in case a suicide bomber gets them while they’re out buying sausages and potatoes.  And that’s with the benefit of the uncrackable cypher known as the Finnish language in which all their emails are encoded.

Scots will just have to hope and pray that no one in the Taliban learns how to speak Weegie.  The Mujahaweegie would be a terrible foe, bombing transport infrastructure with piss filled bottles of Buckie and hijacking Tunnock’s delivery vans.  Only the Union and GCHQ can save us from public transport that reeks of urine on Saturday nights and ensure the safe delivery of teacakes.

The biggest problem we’ll face, apparently, is that we’ll no longer have access to UK intelligence.  It doesn’t appear to have occurred to Ms May that getting away from what passes for “intelligence” amongst successive UK governments is the prime motivator for many of us who seek independence.  For starters there’s those dodgy dossiers, the Oxbridge Communists who ran M15 during the 60s, and just about anything that comes out of Theresa’s gob.

Scotland will deprive itself of the wisdom of the woman who thought up the Go Home campaign and who apparently bases UK immigration policy on Daily Mail stories.  Something about immigrants giving you cancer, probably.  She set up a commission of experts to advise on drug policy, but then ignored them when they gave advice she didn’t like.  More recently she suggested that it was condoning terrorism to object to anti-terrorism laws being used to silence legitimate whistle-blowers and the journalists who report them.  How will we possibly cope without her unique brand of narrow-minded condescension?

Scotland will have little or nothing to offer proper grown up security services like M15.  It’s well known in London that there are only two kinds of Scottish polis.  There’s the cheery auld alcoholic sergeant on a bicycle who occasionally takes prescriptions to the chemist for Doctor Finlay, together with his young and naive constable who’s trying to get into the knickers of the housekeeper from Monarch of the Glen and who will develop an alcohol problem after she spurns him the for dashing estate manager with the English public school accent.  And then there’s the morose detective with a bevvy merchant’s nose who investigates junkies who murrderr one another.  Since Islamic terrorists are teetotal, the Scottish police will be helpless against them because they never go down the pub.

After indy we’ll be “intelligence unplugged”, as Westminster has no real interest in prescriptions for antibiotics that don’t cost £7 a pop or the price of a pint of heavy, and hordes of terrorist gangs, cyber criminals, and evil villains from Bond movies will descend on Scotland to use us as a base from which to attack important places – that would be London.

It’s unclear why Terry thought we’d be particularly susceptible to cyber criminals, as just last month her equally clueless cabinet colleague Philip Hammond solemnly warned us that terrorists would attack our power stations and leave us without electricity.  So we’ll only have to worry about cyber criminals until the laptop battery gives out and then the problem will pretty much take care of itself.

When you dig a bit deeper into Theresa’s scare stories, it seems that the real threat isn’t to Scotland.  We’ll be one of those wee countries that terrorists don’t bother much with because attacking us will only rate a 10 second mention on Sky News.  The real threat is to Westminster, and for all their supposed intelligence there’s a gaping chasm in the logic of their latest scare story.

Scotland will be hoatching with terrorist groups who intend to attack the rUK, but at the same time the new Scottish intelligence services will have little information which might be of interest to their rUK counterparts, so it’s not in the rUK’s interests to have a friendly and cooperative working relationship with Scotland.  Instead Westminster may be forced to impose border controls all the way from Gretna to Berwick, disrupting trade and costing the rUK economy billions of pounds a year.

Hmmm.  That’s a really intelligent response, and by going independent we’ll be depriving ourselves of such strategically joined up thinking.  How will we ever manage?

They can’t even think their scare stories through properly, so much for Union intelligence.  So it’s clear now, either they think that we are spectacularly stupid, or they are spectacularly stupid.  In either case are these the people we want to have responsiblity for keeping Scotland safe?  Even Theresa May ought to have enough functioning brain cells to realise the answer to that question.

4 comments on “Union intelligence

  1. Surely “Terri” not “Terry”?

    Anyhoo, great stuff.

  2. Andrew Morton says:

    I am helpless with laughter.


    I think most of these stories are made up in Whitehall departments by schoolkids on work experience placements from Eton.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s